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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ

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(applause)

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(applause)

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ

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(applause) (thunder)

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[Kevin] Ladies and gentlemen, Happy Halloween!

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And welcome to RiffTrax Live, House on Haunted Hill!

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Featuring our special guest, Paul F. Tompkins.

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And now please welcome your riffers for the evening, Bill Corbett,

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Kevin Murphy, and Michael J. Nelson!

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(applause)

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(applause)

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(applause)

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(applause)

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(applause)

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[Bill] Get over here.

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[Mike] Oh! Thank you very much. You're very kind.

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[Bill] Happy Halloween! [Kevin] Happy Halloween!

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(applause) [Kevin] Wow!

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[Mike] Welcome, welcome.

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To RiffTrax Live, House on Haunted Hill. I'm Mike Nelson. (cheers)

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[Kevin] I'm Kevin Murphy. (cheers)

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[Bill] And I'm Vincent Price. (cheers) AKA Bill Corbett.

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[Kevin] And tonight, I'm also, Medusa. Or. A gorgon if you will.

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[Bill] I uh? I don't think I will, actually.

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[Mike] No, no. I don't uh?

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[Bill] Well explain to us if you can, how does the whole?

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I mean you have the snakes on the outside

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and they're kind of wriggling around up here.

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[Kevin] Menacing. [Bill] What happens underneath the skull?

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[Kevin] Well, um.

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[Bill] I mean are they wriggling around there and tickling your brain, and uh?

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[Kevin] Well,

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[Bill] Like eliminating, and? [Kevin] No. Oh! In my skull???

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[Bill] All right, let's move on. Mike, what are you supposed to be here?

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[Mike] I'm not really into the whole halloween, thing.

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So actually, I don't ever dress up.

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[Kevin] You don't have to. [Bill] It's just uh?

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[Mike] I mean sometimes in the fall, I grow my hair out a little bit.

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(laughter) Maybe that's the vibe, I'm giving.

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[Bill] Apparently you grow sunglasses from your eyeballs as well.

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[Mike] How's the hair?

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[Kevin] Okay now, Bill. Justify yourself.

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[Bill] I went with the classic. I'm a sexy kitten. Okay? (cheers)

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[Mike] Can we get a little?

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[Bill] I'm sexy! I'm sexy! All right?

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[Mike] Could we get a little meow? Or?

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[Bill] Uh? Yeah. I'll do that on the way out.

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I don't want to overwhelm the poor people.

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But you know what? For extra sexiness, a tail.

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(cheers) [Mike] I think you're actually supposed to wear that?

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[Kevin] Yeah, you're supposed to put it on.

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[Bill] You don't want to pour it on too much. But if you need it, it's here everybody.

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[Kevin] Won't even shake your tail for us?

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(audience groans) [Bill] You'd be very sorry if I did.

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[Mike] It's for the best. folks. It's for the best. (Kevin laughs)

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[Mike] But we have a full slate of fun stuff.

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We have of course, our special guest, Paul F. Tompkins is here.

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(cheers) Very excited about that. [Kevin] That'll be a lot of fun.

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[Mike] He will be joining us in just a little bit.

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We have some fabulous shorts. And of course, House on Haunted Hill.

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This first one though. We, uh?

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We found a weird one here, didn't we?

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[Bill] We did indeed. Yes. [Kevin] Big surprise.

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[Bill] Well this one is about. You know? My primal fears.

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It's about witches. [Mike] Of course.

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[Bill] Very halloweeny thing of course. You know, not everybody likes witches.

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[Mike] The warts, the spells, the devil worship.

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[Kevin] The legs. [Bill] I have no problem with that.

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It's actually the uh? Their tendency to pop up in grocery stores.

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Out of nowhere. You know what I'm talking about don't you? (laughter)

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[Kevin] Come on.

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[Bill] They pop up in grocery stores, and they start haranguing you

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about how you have to spend less money,

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and you should bargain shop.

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[Kevin] And as luck would have it. [Bill] Scary witches.

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[Kevin] We have a short about that very subject [Mike] Yes.

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[Bill] What a coincidence.

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[Kevin] So here go. [Mike] Let us roll Magical Disappearing Money.

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[Kevin] Magical Disappearing Money.

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(applause)

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[Kevin] Hey! Nice melons! [Bill] Well, I never!

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[Kevin]No! I was talking about the boobs-the fruits! I was. [Bill] Cut your losses.

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♪♪♪ [Bill] When witches get the munchies. (laughter)

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[Bill] Is that a witch, or Peter Frampton in a floral house dress? (laughter)

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♪♪♪ [Kevin] Magical Disappearing Money!

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Or the story of the trillion dollar stimulus package! Thank you!

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(applause) [Bill] Politics.

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[Mike] Kids! Grab another grocery cart! Breaded zucchini's on sale!

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(Kevin and Bill) Hooray!

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♪♪♪ [Bill] I'm gonna get my pickup truck, so I can load up on breaded zucchini!

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♪♪♪ [Mike] An average trip to the corner

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grocery store explodes across the silver screen.

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[Kevin] Thrill as a shopping list is consulted!

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♪♪♪

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[Bill] Can you keep your seat, as different brands of box cereals are considered?

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(laughter) I think not.

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[Mike] Need something with a lot of fiber.

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[Bill] Poor kid. Oh! Dear, dear! No! not sugared cereal.

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[Kevin] Try vinegared cereals!

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[Bill] Terrifying. Not instant oatmeal.

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[Bill] You'll turn into Wilford Brimley! (laughter)

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[Mike] Beard completer? Worth a shot. (applause)

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(applause) No.

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[Kevin] I hope by "no", she's referring to the twin fuzzy head balls.

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[Bill] Fuzzy head balls.

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You've spent too much. You're buying wrong things.

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[Bill] I'll just have to drag you to hell.

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[Mike] Your soul is mine!

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(laughter) [Bill] See?

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[Kevin] Help! They locked me in the milk freezer! Oh lady, thank god!

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Give me a hand with! Lady! Help! Help! Aggh!

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(laughter) I've got to do something!

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[Bill] Could start by running a comb through that rat's nest of yours.

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Suggestion. (boing!)

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[Kevin] Whoa! I just grew a tail! [Bill] Huh?

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[Mike] Ahh! Letting go is not an option for some reason!

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(laughter)

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[Bill] Obey me! Gesundheit! Uh thank you!

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Well, I have to show you! I just have to!

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[Kevin] No no! This is a family show! Don't!

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[Bill] Witches gone wild. (boing!)

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[Mike] Be right back. Just have to possess a little girl,

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and throw a priest out a window. (laughter)

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[Bill] Huh? Huh? Hmm? What?

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(laughter) Here I am!

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[Bill] Duh! (laughter)

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[Kevin] She's a witch! Burn in hell! [Bill] Burn her!

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Mustn't get tricked into buying all those pretty packaged foods.

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Oh my! That box of cereal!

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[Mike] For that, you shall die.

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This? What's wrong with that cereal?

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He likes that kind. Achoo! But the cost!

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[Bill] Think of the breaded zucchini you could buy with that!

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Now you're paying 47 cents for sugar coated cereal,

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when regular cereal costs about half as much!

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But I like it with sugar.

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Oh. Well, add your own, then.

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[Kevin] But I don't like that kind.

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[Bill] Oh. Well who cares what you want? Just do it. The witch.

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Oh and oatmeal. The price they get for oatmeal is outrageous.

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[Mike] She's right. I don't deserve oatmeal.

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An individual serving, it's really costing you about 71 cents a pound.

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Imagine! I don't like oatmeal. Oh.

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[Kevin] Good. Because you'll never afford it, kid.

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Packages are just too much.

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[Bill] Satan's oats only cost you your soul!

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If you cook it yourself, it costs about half as much.

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How about that?!

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[Mike] Finally, a friend. (laughter)

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And rice! Ah! My! Look what you're paying for fancy seasoned rice.

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You must like rice.

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[Kevin] You fancy seasoned idiot!

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(buzz) Hey. Far out!

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[Bill] Made that rice disappear quicker than Jonah Hill at a chinese buffet.

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(laughter) Sorry Jonah.

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Here they are. [Mike] Thank you, purse slaves.

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You bought both seasoned rice, and plain rice. But look at the difference in price.

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Seasoned rice cost over a dollar a pound! [Kevin] Rockefeller!

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While the plain rice is less than a quarter a pound.

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For a little seasoning in a fancy package.

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[Bill] Her hatred of fanciness cannot be overstated. (laughter)

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Sure you can. [Mike] Good child. Spread my dark gospel across the land.

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(laughter)

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Look at that! How about that?

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[Kevin] Real cute. Now make with the free samples of summer sausage!

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(laughter)

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Oh milk! I mustn't forget to tell you about milk!

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Milk. Ah! [Bill] Ugh! She's pumping it from her arm pit! (groans)

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If you want to save money, powdered milk is just as good as regular milk.

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Especially good for cooking.

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[Mike] Powdered milk. Not just for war time conditions anymore.

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(laughter) [Kevin] You know, she's pretty pathetic, but not nearly

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as creepy as the witch who lives in the adult video store.

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[Mike] Oh yeah, yeah.

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(buzz)

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[Bill] What the?? Come on!

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I was about to make it with a lonely housewife.

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One! Oh hi, Fred. I told you to stay home.

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[Mike] She feeds me nothing but rotting garbage. I'm always sick! Ugh!

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[Bill] Doggy! Ha!

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Here's a really good buy. Just add water, and you have a quart of milk

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for about a 1/4 of the cost of regular milk.

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[Bill] And it tastes like chalky vomit. (laughter)

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And pudding. I almost forgot. Here it is!

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[Mike] Is it okay to have pudding if I don't eat my meat? (laughter)

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Fancy packages again!

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[Kevin] Meanwhile, Fred the cat makes his escape.

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[Bill] I can haz freedom? (laughter) Oh! You nerds!

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(Mike laughs) Look what you're paying for!

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[Mike] Let us get on with our lives! [Bill] Please! I have a family!

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This bowl of pudding costs exactly the same

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to make as one of these pudding cups.

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[Kevin] And it's so convenient for your bag lunch.

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Okay, let's take a packaged pudding.

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Does it taste as good as pudding cups? (ding)

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[Bill] There is no spoon. (laughter) Oh wait! There is a spoon. Sorry.

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Misunderstanding. Okay mom. We can get this kind.

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[Paul] I like things that taste like crap now!

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[Kevin] She broke him down. Now I might as well warn you.

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That frozen zucchini they're advertising? [Kevin] 80% wood chips.

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My turn!

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[Bill] No, mutton chops guy. I'm afraid life will never give you a turn.

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[Mike] Please! Whatever you're thinking, don't do it! Oh god! No!

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Oh hell is hot! May I have your zucchini please?

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[Kevin] Wow! (buzz) (ding!) Frozen foods are so expensive.

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I mean they really are. I like this trick.

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[Bill] I'm gonna retire on it in Branson.

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Bread crumbs! [Kevin] Ugh.

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They put on so many bread crumbs and charge twice as much for it.

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[Mike] My god! They're worse than Hitler! (laughter)

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[Bill] Easy, (indistinct). Now that I have plain zucchini,

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I'll compare it to the fresh zucchini.

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[Kevin] Zucchini comparison! The motion picture!

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Ah. (laughter)

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[Bill] Ah ha ha! Someone save us! (laughter)

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Goodie! Balances! I always loved this trick.

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I don't get it.

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[Mike] Why would someone eat zucchini?

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Here we have 9 ounces of frozen zucchini, and 9 ounces of fresh zucchini.

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Now the frozen zucchini is 42 cents a package.

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With the bread crumbs, of course.

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I still don't get it. [Kevin] Look, let me finish, you brain dead punk!

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Frozen zucchini is forty two cents for nine ounces.

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At 29 cents a pound for fresh zucchini, nine ounces is only 16 cents!

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[Bill] I don't get it.

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You mean to tell me that a pound of frozen zucchini costs over two dollars?

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[Bill] Chester A. Arthur, ladies and gentlemen. (laughter)

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[Bill] Rare. I hope you're right.

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[Mike] Oh. Oh god. What did I do?

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Oh god! Clean up on aisle five! Ugh! So embarrassed!

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(ding!) [Kevin] She disappeared! Just like daddy! (laughter)

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[Bill] Ugh. Does anyone remember who they are?

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Or what we were doing before this?

235
00:12:46,510 --> 00:12:48,460
[Kevin] Where are we? [Bill] Civilization?

236
00:12:48,460 --> 00:12:51,340
[Kevin] Help! [Bill] I have a family. I swear I do.

237
00:12:51,340 --> 00:12:59,060
Look! [Mike] Join me in the abyss of savings! (laughter)

238
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(indistinct) Here it is!

239
00:13:03,930 --> 00:13:08,380
[Kevin] We'll get unsweetened Captain Crunch, and add our own crunch berries.

240
00:13:08,380 --> 00:13:11,010
[Bill] Home grown. That cereal is only half as much as sugared cereal.

241
00:13:11,010 --> 00:13:15,410
[Bill] As you explicitly stated not three minutes ago. Yes ma'am.

242
00:13:15,410 --> 00:13:19,350
This costs a lot less than instant oatmeal.

243
00:13:19,350 --> 00:13:23,120
[Mike] And it's just as depressing. (laughter)

244
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:26,390
Good! Good! Now they're getting it.

245
00:13:26,390 --> 00:13:29,750
This costs a quarter of the price of fancy seasoned rice.

246
00:13:29,750 --> 00:13:32,540
[Kevin] Uncle Ben's gonna have to cut a witch!

247
00:13:32,540 --> 00:13:35,860
Here's powdered milk! Good choice, Jerry

248
00:13:35,860 --> 00:13:39,380
That powdered milk costs a lot less than regular milk.

249
00:13:39,380 --> 00:13:41,690
[Bill] You know drainage runoff is cheaper than everything here.

250
00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:44,410
Where do you draw the line, you harpy?

251
00:13:44,410 --> 00:13:47,120
(laughter) [Bill] Logic!

252
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,290
Pudding you cook yourself costs much less than pudding cups.

253
00:13:49,290 --> 00:13:53,460
And it tastes just as good. Look!

254
00:13:53,460 --> 00:13:56,810
[Mike] The witch is doing her Winona Rider impression!

255
00:13:56,810 --> 00:14:00,260
(laughter) [Bill] Meow!

256
00:14:00,260 --> 00:14:03,220
Costs only pennies compared to the frozen kind.

257
00:14:03,220 --> 00:14:04,630
[Kevin] Be my new mommy!

258
00:14:04,630 --> 00:14:08,050
(ding!)

259
00:14:08,050 --> 00:14:10,050
[Bill] Well, true lesson here.

260
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A lot of places will still let you buy cigarettes and booze with your food stamps.

261
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I think that's the lesson.

262
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♪♪♪ [Mike] Mommy?

263
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,600
Can the witch make Rover not be run over by a car anymore?

264
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,100
(applause)

265
00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:30,480
[Kevin] You know, concept buying sounds nicer than idea crapped out buying.

266
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♪♪♪ [Bill] Vote Christine O'Donnell.

267
00:14:32,810 --> 00:14:37,150
(laughter) [Bill] On you! (applause)

268
00:14:37,150 --> 00:14:39,810
[Kevin] There we go. The grocery witch! [Mike] The grocery witch!

269
00:14:39,810 --> 00:14:41,740
[Bill] Grocery witch!

270
00:14:41,740 --> 00:14:44,430
(applause) [Bill] Grocery!

271
00:14:44,430 --> 00:14:53,690
[Kevin] Wow. That was horrifying. Everybody scared now?

272
00:14:53,690 --> 00:14:58,130
[Mike] The uh? The second short we've selected,

273
00:14:58,130 --> 00:15:01,060
is actually a little weird as opposed to this one.

274
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(laughter)

275
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[Bill] That was a stroll in the park.

276
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[Mike] Yeah.

277
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:08,470
But another scary theme, in this one, is paper. One of the scariest.

278
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[Kevin] That's right. [Bill] More terrifying of substances.

279
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:13,340
[Kevin] Think about it. Paper cuts! You know? Smearing!

280
00:15:13,340 --> 00:15:16,510
You know, having to fold it! Agghhh!

281
00:15:16,510 --> 00:15:18,370
[Mike] Take it easy big guy. [Bill] Down boy.

282
00:15:18,370 --> 00:15:19,860
You know, I'm actually fairly terrified myself.

283
00:15:19,860 --> 00:15:22,250
I think we need reinforcements for this one,

284
00:15:22,250 --> 00:15:25,390
ladies and gentlemen. I think we need a 4th riffer.

285
00:15:25,390 --> 00:15:30,230
[Mike] Yes. (applause) [Bill] The man for the job. (applause) [Kevin] We have one.

286
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:34,380
[Bill] Is none other than comedian, Paul F. Tompkins!

287
00:15:34,380 --> 00:15:38,390
[Kevin] Bring him out! (applause) [Bill] We are delighted to have him here!

288
00:15:38,390 --> 00:15:42,500
(applause) [Bill] Whoa!

289
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:46,970
(applause) [Mike] Paul. [Bill] Welcome Paul. [Paul] Thank you! Oh!

290
00:15:46,970 --> 00:15:49,450
[Bill] Behind Kevin Murphy here.

291
00:15:49,450 --> 00:15:51,590
(chatter) [Kevin] Great to see you. Thanks for coming!

292
00:15:51,590 --> 00:15:54,210
[Paul] Thank you for having me. This is a dream come true.

293
00:15:54,210 --> 00:15:58,680
[Mike] You are now, the easily best dressed man up here. Thank you.

294
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,150
[Kevin] That's for sure. That's for sure.

295
00:16:00,150 --> 00:16:03,160
[Paul] I wasn't sure if I should dress nice or wear a costume?

296
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:10,470
So I did both. (laughter) And I am, of course the dark good humor man!

297
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,500
(applause)

298
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,660
[Mike] I hope you didn't pay too much for your good humor, though.

299
00:16:14,660 --> 00:16:16,490
The witch would be all over you.

300
00:16:16,490 --> 00:16:19,970
[Bill] Do you sell the same kind of good humor, dressed as that? As a dark?

301
00:16:19,970 --> 00:16:21,790
[Paul] Yeah, it's just like melted, kind of.

302
00:16:21,790 --> 00:16:24,460
[Bill] Got it, got it. I leave the door open from the freezer.

303
00:16:24,460 --> 00:16:26,790
[Mike] Ugh! Ugh!

304
00:16:26,790 --> 00:16:30,290
[Paul] You can read about it on my good humor fan fiction online. (laughter)

305
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:32,060
[Kevin] So you watched the first short?

306
00:16:32,060 --> 00:16:33,510
Pretty scary for you? [Paul] It was very scary.

307
00:16:33,510 --> 00:16:35,390
I think the scariest thing was how tired

308
00:16:35,390 --> 00:16:37,210
the grocery witch was at the end of that.

309
00:16:37,210 --> 00:16:39,370
She really looked worn out!

310
00:16:39,370 --> 00:16:41,120
[Mike] Took it out of her!

311
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,050
[Paul] That magic is tough stuff. Wastes away at ya.

312
00:16:44,050 --> 00:16:47,700
[Bill] Grocery witches die after they convert everyone. That's the way it works.

313
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:50,170
[Kevin] And are you a fan of scary movies?

314
00:16:50,170 --> 00:16:51,860
[Paul] Well, I am.

315
00:16:51,860 --> 00:16:54,090
Because I think we all like to be scared.

316
00:16:54,090 --> 00:16:57,120
(pause) That's not true. (laughter)

317
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,850
But that is what dumb actors say when

318
00:16:59,850 --> 00:17:03,320
they go on talk shows to promote a scary movie.

319
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:06,200
Because the host will say "Now why did you take this role in this scary movie?",

320
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,550
and the actor will say "Because we all like to be scared!".

321
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:12,270
No. We don't like to be scared. And I figured out why.

322
00:17:12,270 --> 00:17:16,960
Because it is scary! (laughter) [Kevin] Fair enough. Fair enough.

323
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,700
[Paul] True! It's just facts. If you were walking down the street,

324
00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:24,730
and someone sticks a gun in your face, you are not saying "This is awesome!"

325
00:17:24,730 --> 00:17:26,570
(laughter)

326
00:17:26,570 --> 00:17:28,600
"What a roller coaster ride!

327
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:32,170
I wish I had a savory snack to be eating right now." (Kevin laughs)

328
00:17:32,170 --> 00:17:35,860
So I'm just. I'm done with.

329
00:17:35,860 --> 00:17:38,280
I drew a line where I said I can't go to scary movies anymore.

330
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,730
And really what did it for me, was the one element

331
00:17:40,730 --> 00:17:43,780
that is in 99% of all scary movies.

332
00:17:43,780 --> 00:17:45,810
[Kevin] Grocery witches?

333
00:17:45,810 --> 00:17:49,400
[Paul] What's that? I'm sorry. 98% of all scary movies.

334
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:53,350
It's that moment, where you've got your hero, right?

335
00:17:53,350 --> 00:17:56,540
And he is the only one that is doing anything about all

336
00:17:56,540 --> 00:17:58,350
these werewolves or whatever.

337
00:17:58,350 --> 00:17:59,560
[Bill] Right. Yes, yes.

338
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,510
[Paul] There's a break in the action, he's by himself.

339
00:18:01,510 --> 00:18:03,770
Finds himself in some building or other.

340
00:18:03,770 --> 00:18:08,250
And he goes into a bathroom, and he opens the door to the bathroom.

341
00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:11,810
There's a sink, and there's a mirror. Right?

342
00:18:11,810 --> 00:18:15,320
Now this guy, all he wants to do, is he

343
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,560
just wants to splash some cold water on his face.

344
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:21,790
(laughter) [Bill] Of course! [Paul] And don't you think he's earned it, at this point?

345
00:18:21,790 --> 00:18:23,440
[Kevin] Hell yeah!

346
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:25,580
[Paul] So he goes down.

347
00:18:25,580 --> 00:18:27,720
You know, he like turns on the taps.

348
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:31,070
And he's about to put the cold water on his face.

349
00:18:31,070 --> 00:18:33,840
Just before he does, he always looks in the mirror first,

350
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,750
always looks in the mirror first.

351
00:18:35,750 --> 00:18:37,600
Establishing the mirror, looks in the mirror

352
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:41,480
as if to say "It's just you and me, buddy."

353
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:46,640
(laughter) It is nuts out there! All right, old friend.

354
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:50,890
Let's say we treat ourselves to a little cold water on the face?

355
00:18:50,890 --> 00:18:52,670
[Bill] Best thing for the situation.

356
00:18:52,670 --> 00:18:55,760
[Paul] What could be more relaxing at this point,

357
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:59,650
(laughter) than ice cold water directly on the face?

358
00:18:59,650 --> 00:19:03,120
All right. All right, my buddy. I will see you on the other side!

359
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:06,440
(Mike laughs) [Paul] And he goes down, and he puts the water on his face.

360
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:10,420
And when he comes back up, hideous monster in the mirror behind him!!!!!

361
00:19:10,420 --> 00:19:14,120
It gets me every single time! And I know it's coming!

362
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,310
Like as soon as I see the sink and the mirror, I'm like

363
00:19:16,310 --> 00:19:18,410
"Oh sink! I know what's gonna happen!"

364
00:19:18,410 --> 00:19:25,870
[Bill] Son of a! [Paul] Now look, I know that I'm a grown man, and movies are fake.

365
00:19:25,870 --> 00:19:32,600
But, I have a bathroom. And in that bathroom there is a sink and a mirror.

366
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,580
[Bill] Yeah. Standard issue.

367
00:19:34,580 --> 00:19:39,950
[Paul] Sometimes I'm alone in the house. But it's scary.

368
00:19:39,950 --> 00:19:43,870
But then, I realized recently, I no longer have to be afraid of this.

369
00:19:43,870 --> 00:19:47,290
When I realized that my bathroom

370
00:19:47,290 --> 00:19:51,950
is too small for this to realistically happen. (laughter)

371
00:19:51,950 --> 00:19:56,710
Right? [Bill] Ah ha! [Kevin] Good point.

372
00:19:56,710 --> 00:19:59,630
[Paul] Yes. This is where my inability to be good

373
00:19:59,630 --> 00:20:01,350
with money pays off. (laughter)

374
00:20:01,350 --> 00:20:07,810
I live in a. So in order for a monster to achieve this effect,

375
00:20:07,810 --> 00:20:12,010
the phrase "excuse me" would have to be used. (laughter)

376
00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:17,380
Yes. [Kevin] Idling in there.

377
00:20:17,380 --> 00:20:20,140
[Paul] Now, he has lost the element of surprise.

378
00:20:20,140 --> 00:20:24,510
If I'm having some cold water, right? Because who knows what's going on in my day.

379
00:20:24,510 --> 00:20:28,730
I'm just having some cold water, and then I hear (growling).

380
00:20:28,730 --> 00:20:32,550
Excuse me? Can I just get by here? (Mike laughs)

381
00:20:32,550 --> 00:20:37,660
Ah ha!!! (Kevin laughs) Look who it is!

382
00:20:37,660 --> 00:20:40,580
You should have turned into a bat or something, stupid!

383
00:20:40,580 --> 00:20:46,650
Get out of here! You are the worst monster!

384
00:20:46,650 --> 00:20:51,110
Hey, I'm sorry about that "worst monster" crack. I didn't mean that.

385
00:20:51,110 --> 00:20:53,770
(laughter) I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the situation.

386
00:20:53,770 --> 00:20:56,580
(laughter)

387
00:20:56,580 --> 00:21:01,820
All right, I'll see you out there. Huh? I'm gonna kill ya!

388
00:21:01,820 --> 00:21:06,390
So that's why I don't go to scary movies anymore. (applause)

389
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:09,670
[Bill] And that is what Halloween is all about, Paul. F. Tompkins.

390
00:21:09,670 --> 00:21:13,270
(applause) [Kevin] All monsters end up being your bro,

391
00:21:13,270 --> 00:21:15,120
[Paul] Yeah. Yeah. [Kevin] Bro-sters.

392
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,430
[Paul] Only me and that monster can understand what's it like out there.

393
00:21:17,430 --> 00:21:18,920
[Kevin] I understand.

394
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,650
[Mike] We'd like to add to your list of things you're gonna be scared by with paper.

395
00:21:21,650 --> 00:21:25,680
Yeah. This short we've prepared for you, uh.

396
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:28,110
Paper and I. [Bill] (softly) Did we prepare it actually?

397
00:21:28,110 --> 00:21:32,950
[Kevin] Threw it together. That's right. Yes indeed.

398
00:21:32,950 --> 00:21:35,840
[Mike] So why don't we go ahead? Let's roll "Paper and I".

399
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,750
[Kevin] Paper and I. [Bill] Paper and I.

400
00:21:37,750 --> 00:21:42,960
(applause)

401
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:47,630
♪♪♪ [Paul] That's a lot of liquor on that nightstand. (laughter)

402
00:21:47,630 --> 00:21:50,850
[Kevin] Wow. It always happens in a little boy's mind.

403
00:21:50,850 --> 00:21:54,310
And then again, it may not. We leave it to you.

404
00:21:54,310 --> 00:21:56,460
[Mike] In fact, why the hell did we even make this short?

405
00:21:56,460 --> 00:21:59,440
You figure it out. I don't know.

406
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:02,410
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Ah, poor kid's addicted to huffing sandwich fumes.

407
00:22:02,410 --> 00:22:06,510
(laughter) ♪♪♪

408
00:22:06,510 --> 00:22:09,850
[Bill] Paper and I. The searing love story of our time!

409
00:22:09,850 --> 00:22:15,470
♪♪♪

410
00:22:15,470 --> 00:22:18,320
(Kevin hums) Willie? Willie?

411
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:22,130
You let me have it. Honey, it's time for you to go to sleep now.

412
00:22:22,130 --> 00:22:24,220
[Paul] It's three in the afternoon.

413
00:22:24,220 --> 00:22:27,160
[Bill] Poor kid. If you're well enough to go to school tomorrow.

414
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:29,250
Good night.

415
00:22:29,250 --> 00:22:32,190
Get a good night's sleep.

416
00:22:32,190 --> 00:22:33,840
[Mike] And whatever you do, don't say anything.

417
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:37,490
Just stare creepily into the middle distance. (laughter) ♪♪♪

418
00:22:42,820 --> 00:22:47,940
Willie? [Paul] Uh oh. Oh, Willie?

419
00:22:47,940 --> 00:22:51,480
[Kevin] Voices in your bedroom? These things NEVER end well. [Bill] They do not.

420
00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:56,630
Here I am, Willie! Who are you? Thanks for saving my life, Willie.

421
00:22:56,630 --> 00:22:59,680
Where did you come from? Gosh, Willie.

422
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:04,160
You mean, where was I born? Well I guess so.

423
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:08,710
[Bill] But before that, let me just say "Oh my GOD!!! What are you???!!!"

424
00:23:08,710 --> 00:23:12,310
(laughter) Thousands of miles away. Across rivers and mountains and valleys.

425
00:23:12,310 --> 00:23:15,990
(laughter) (thunder)

426
00:23:15,990 --> 00:23:19,770
[Paul] Oh dear lord! the lightning hurts! Please just let me die!

427
00:23:19,770 --> 00:23:21,650
[Mike] Not a chance, Willie!

428
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:24,290
All the way back to the forests of the south.

429
00:23:24,290 --> 00:23:26,530
[Kevin] I should probably tell my parents. [Bill] I wrote them a note.

430
00:23:26,530 --> 00:23:27,930
[Kevin] But you don't have any arms.

431
00:23:27,930 --> 00:23:32,020
[Bill] Too late! We're already here, Willie.

432
00:23:32,020 --> 00:23:35,250
[Paul] Watch out for that angry bear, Willie!

433
00:23:35,250 --> 00:23:39,220
♪♪♪

434
00:23:39,220 --> 00:23:40,850
Here I am Willie!

435
00:23:40,850 --> 00:23:46,040
[Mike] I'm just serving some gruel to the other captured children. (laughter)

436
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:50,260
♪♪♪ [Bill] Willie. If you will.

437
00:23:50,260 --> 00:23:52,780
♪♪♪ [Kevin] You'll never be rid of me, Willie!

438
00:23:52,780 --> 00:23:54,740
[Bill] Ahhh! It's everywhere!

439
00:23:54,740 --> 00:24:01,280
Here. this is where I was born. You're not a paper bag. You're a tree.

440
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,960
That's what I'm gonna tell you about.

441
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:08,420
When we're ready to be harvested, along comes the woodsman.

442
00:24:08,420 --> 00:24:12,690
All through the southern forests, Willie. And pine and hardwood.

443
00:24:12,690 --> 00:24:16,250
[Paul] He murdered countless of my brothers and sisters, Willie!

444
00:24:16,250 --> 00:24:18,710
But only the tree.

445
00:24:18,710 --> 00:24:21,930
[Mike] My god! The tree's talking! Burn this whole forest!

446
00:24:21,930 --> 00:24:25,340
Leave nothing alive! (laughter)

447
00:24:25,340 --> 00:24:28,920
Other trees can grow. Every few years.

448
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,310
[Kevin] Okay, Willie.

449
00:24:30,310 --> 00:24:31,700
It's your turn to operated the giant,

450
00:24:31,700 --> 00:24:34,750
spinning blade with no safety guard! (laughter)

451
00:24:34,750 --> 00:24:38,250
Geez! [Bill] Look at that thing.

452
00:24:38,250 --> 00:24:41,350
Mr. Paper Bag? It's morning, and I have to go to school.

453
00:24:41,350 --> 00:24:47,480
[Paul] Just a few more hours, Willie! [Bill] Please, Mr. Paper Bag!

454
00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:50,880
♪♪♪ [Bill] Oh. Now I'm sea sick, Mr. Paper Bag.

455
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:54,030
[Paul] Then barf over the side, Willie. Because I'm not taking you home!

456
00:24:54,030 --> 00:24:57,320
(laughter) [Bill] Oh, Mr. Paper Bag!

457
00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:02,990
Good bye Willie. [Mike] Stranded Willie in the forest. Paper Bag, you monster!

458
00:25:02,990 --> 00:25:05,590
[Kevin] Damn you bag!

459
00:25:05,590 --> 00:25:09,420
And now Willie is visited by the paper bag of christmas future.

460
00:25:09,420 --> 00:25:13,150
(laughter) ♪♪♪

461
00:25:13,150 --> 00:25:17,020
[Bill] And a young David Lynch suddenly realizes his destiny! (laughter)

462
00:25:17,020 --> 00:25:19,940
(applause)

463
00:25:19,940 --> 00:25:27,020
♪♪♪

464
00:25:27,020 --> 00:25:31,200
[Paul] Paper bag, fill me with your dark magics.

465
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,670
(laughter)

466
00:25:33,670 --> 00:25:38,260
Tomorrow I'd like each of you to have a little story prepared to tell your classmates.

467
00:25:38,260 --> 00:25:39,870
You may choose any subject.

468
00:25:39,870 --> 00:25:44,440
[Mike] But no stories about midnight visits by talking bags. [Kevin] Oh!!!

469
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:48,120
Time for bed, Willie.

470
00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:50,350
[Paul] Good night, mom. Good night pops.

471
00:25:50,350 --> 00:25:55,580
Enjoy a worthless night of unspoken resentments. (laughter)

472
00:25:55,580 --> 00:26:00,590
[Kevin] Whoo. Bark! The way he holds onto that paper sack!

473
00:26:00,590 --> 00:26:03,810
[Bill] Give you any ideas, honey? (laughter)

474
00:26:03,810 --> 00:26:07,150
[Bill] What?? oh, what? (laughter)

475
00:26:07,150 --> 00:26:10,880
(laughter)

476
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:15,430
[Mike] Well, this is kind of weird. But this is how I am with bacon, so.

477
00:26:15,430 --> 00:26:20,430
Oh bacon. Ah, yeah. [Bill] Hi Mike!

478
00:26:20,430 --> 00:26:22,940
[Kevin] Second star to the right, and straight on to!

479
00:26:22,940 --> 00:26:24,640
[Mike] Until we get sued by Disney.

480
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:26,650
[Kevin] Oh yeah. [Bill] Ixnay, ixnay.

481
00:26:26,650 --> 00:26:32,120
[Paul] Now I will show you your sins, Willie! (laughter)

482
00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:38,850
Here I am Willie! In the mill yard.

483
00:26:38,850 --> 00:26:44,090
[Bill] My god! They have arms now! They're learning and adapting! (laughter)

484
00:26:44,090 --> 00:26:47,390
A lot of things, Willie. More than a little boy can imagine.

485
00:26:47,390 --> 00:26:49,600
[Mike] Oh, please don't make him imagine it.

486
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:52,700
Let's go inside the paper mill. [Bill] No such luck.

487
00:26:52,700 --> 00:26:55,800
A whole series of processes take place, Willie.

488
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:59,390
As we change from wood, to pulp, to paper.

489
00:26:59,390 --> 00:27:02,210
[Paul] And then into a werewolf!

490
00:27:02,210 --> 00:27:06,010
...where our skin is peeled clean. [Kevin] Ugh.

491
00:27:06,010 --> 00:27:08,790
Then into the chipper.

492
00:27:08,790 --> 00:27:11,710
[Kevin] Then a trip through the gonad jabber Willie! (laughter)

493
00:27:11,710 --> 00:27:13,640
[Bill] Very specific.

494
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:19,240
Take it easy. Next, Willie, to the digester. The heart of the paper mill.

495
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:23,070
[Paul] The heart, known for its digesting. [Kevin] Right. (laughter)

496
00:27:23,070 --> 00:27:25,870
[Bill] Exactly. Where we're cooked.

497
00:27:25,870 --> 00:27:31,020
And when I say cook, I really mean cooked! [Mike] Did I mention we're cooked?

498
00:27:31,020 --> 00:27:36,870
[Bill] Cooked. Cooked. Got it. Then we're washed.

499
00:27:36,870 --> 00:27:44,660
Again, and again. [Kevin] Then cooked? Clean. Beaten.

500
00:27:44,660 --> 00:27:48,150
[Kevin] It's an endless nightmare, Willie! (laughter)

501
00:27:48,150 --> 00:27:53,240
Color and size are added to us, Willie. Before we're refined.

502
00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:56,840
[Bill] And you end up as Dilbert's stationary. Can we speed it up?

503
00:27:56,840 --> 00:28:03,650
99% water. We're ready for the wet ends of the (indistinct). Or, paper machine.

504
00:28:03,650 --> 00:28:08,030
[Paul] The heart of the? [Bill] No, no.

505
00:28:08,030 --> 00:28:12,320
Then, in these big rollers, we lose more water.

506
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:13,840
[Mike] Oh god! We've lost too much water!

507
00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:16,530
We're gonna die, Willie!

508
00:28:16,530 --> 00:28:21,550
[Bill] Ahhh! Into the machine, where even more water is squeezed out.

509
00:28:21,550 --> 00:28:24,360
In the calender machine, we're ironed.

510
00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:26,230
[Kevin] Well then call it the ironing machine.

511
00:28:26,230 --> 00:28:29,140
[Bill] It's the heart of the paper mill.

512
00:28:29,140 --> 00:28:34,400
Well, Willie. you've just seen how paper is made.

513
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:36,810
[Bill] Against your will! (laughter)

514
00:28:36,810 --> 00:28:39,450
There are other processes to make pulp and paper

515
00:28:39,450 --> 00:28:41,810
for different paper products.

516
00:28:41,810 --> 00:28:45,580
Ever stop to think how many paper products there are, Willie?

517
00:28:45,580 --> 00:28:48,750
[Paul] No. Willie just learned what sound a cow makes.

518
00:28:48,750 --> 00:28:51,160
Magazines, books, wrapping paper, packaging material,

519
00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:55,290
stationery, card board, tissues, towels. Etc. Etc.

520
00:28:55,290 --> 00:28:59,300
Ever stop to think what the world would be like without paper, Willie?

521
00:28:59,300 --> 00:29:03,830
[Mike] We'd do a lot more wiping with leaves! (laughter)

522
00:29:03,830 --> 00:29:07,800
[Bill] Oh Mike. [Kevin] Ooooh! I dreamt I was really bored.

523
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:11,430
(laughter)

524
00:29:11,430 --> 00:29:16,310
[Bill] Paper. Paper. Paper. Must kill parents. I mean paper.

525
00:29:16,310 --> 00:29:20,780
(laughter)

526
00:29:20,780 --> 00:29:24,280
[Paul] No. No breakfast for me, dear.

527
00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:27,730
It cuts into valuable smoking time. (laughter)

528
00:29:27,730 --> 00:29:32,210
(laughter)

529
00:29:32,210 --> 00:29:33,600
What's the matter, Willie?

530
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:37,280
[Mike] Eh, it's just that Lassie died. Nothing. You know, Willie?

531
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:40,240
[Bill] He's everywhere!

532
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:44,530
Uses over 380 pounds of paper each year.

533
00:29:44,530 --> 00:29:48,210
That's twice as much as in most countries.

534
00:29:48,210 --> 00:29:52,590
[Kevin] Okay honey. You hold him down, I'll inject the lithium. You ready?

535
00:29:52,590 --> 00:29:54,160
(laughter)

536
00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:55,990
You know Willie, the south makes more than

537
00:29:55,990 --> 00:30:01,090
half of all the wood pulp in the United States. (cheers)

538
00:30:01,090 --> 00:30:03,280
(applause) [Bill] Really??

539
00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:08,450
(laughter) [Paul] I guess it was in dispute. [Kevin] Yeah!

540
00:30:08,450 --> 00:30:13,660
(laughter)

541
00:30:13,660 --> 00:30:18,110
Ever stop to think about what the world would have been like without paper?

542
00:30:18,110 --> 00:30:24,770
♪♪♪ [Bill] I missed the bus. (laughter)

543
00:30:24,770 --> 00:30:30,460
And it had gray eyes, and my sister named it (indistinct).

544
00:30:30,460 --> 00:30:35,390
[Kevin] Good, kid. But your report is on Delaware. (laughter)

545
00:30:35,390 --> 00:30:40,270
Now, Willie. Go ahead, Willie. (laughter)

546
00:30:40,270 --> 00:30:42,390
Remember what I told you.

547
00:30:42,390 --> 00:30:45,290
[Bill] Yes, ahem. Jewish bankers and the queen of England

548
00:30:45,290 --> 00:30:48,250
are in cahoots to bring down the world's currency market.

549
00:30:48,250 --> 00:30:50,370
[Kevin] That'll do Willie! Sit down! (applause)

550
00:30:50,370 --> 00:30:53,610
[Bill] The message of paper bag. Fine, and hard.

551
00:30:53,610 --> 00:30:57,030
Thatta boy, Willie! Tell 'em!

552
00:30:57,030 --> 00:31:02,330
[Paul] And if they don't believe you, set fire to them with your mind!

553
00:31:02,330 --> 00:31:07,440
It's a two billion dollar industry. The third largest in the south.

554
00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:13,970
120,000 people work in the forest and pulp mills of the south,

555
00:31:13,970 --> 00:31:18,650
[Paul] Ah, wish I hadn't flunked out of med school.

556
00:31:18,650 --> 00:31:22,450
Ever stop to think what the world would be like without paper?

557
00:31:22,450 --> 00:31:25,490
[Bill] I'm Willie, and I approved this message.

558
00:31:25,490 --> 00:31:28,050
(laughter) (Kevin makes monkey noises)

559
00:31:28,050 --> 00:31:33,330
(laughter)

560
00:31:33,330 --> 00:31:39,930
[Paul] So Willie hitchhiked to New York, in a pick up truck full of old mattresses.

561
00:31:39,930 --> 00:31:44,050
[Bill] Became Don Draper.

562
00:31:44,050 --> 00:31:46,630
♪♪♪ [Mike] Gah! Grocery witch! [Kevin] Hide your pudding cups!

563
00:31:46,630 --> 00:31:49,020
[Bill] Guard your breaded zucchini!

564
00:31:49,020 --> 00:31:50,490
[Paul] I wasn't here for that one!

565
00:31:50,490 --> 00:31:54,200
[Kevin] Sorry. [Bill] Sorry Paul.

566
00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:57,360
[Mike] Oh Willie. Don't bring a gun into the courthouse.

567
00:31:57,360 --> 00:32:01,600
Soon, Willie discovered a whole new world of paper products.

568
00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:03,150
[Paul] So he became a roofer.

569
00:32:03,150 --> 00:32:05,960
Willie found out that some of our synthetics are made of wood pulp.

570
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:10,390
Rayon cord ties, rayon fabrics.

571
00:32:10,390 --> 00:32:13,950
[Paul] Rayon, New Jersey. (laughter)

572
00:32:13,950 --> 00:32:18,470
The paper in the great world of business.

573
00:32:18,470 --> 00:32:23,010
[Mike] Good bye cruel world. Thanks, paper! (laughter)

574
00:32:23,010 --> 00:32:26,160
[Kevin] Oh god. Lousy rat race. I need a drink.

575
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:28,080
[Bill] Had to lay off some people today.

576
00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:31,350
Honey, where in the world have you been? Don't waste time, Emma.

577
00:32:31,350 --> 00:32:33,760
Call Dr. Chadwick. The boy's sick again.

578
00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:36,600
(laughter)

579
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:38,440
Paper bag. I don't know.

580
00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:43,870
[Bill] Oh, why didn't we just say plastic at the grocery store? Our boy's a lunatic.

581
00:32:43,870 --> 00:32:47,980
Take that paper bag away from him. It's just paper.

582
00:32:47,980 --> 00:32:50,950
Goodness, you'd think the world would come to an end.

583
00:32:50,950 --> 00:32:53,200
[Paul] Without paper? Is that what you were gonna say?

584
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:57,660
You'd like that, wouldn't you? I'll kill you where you sit!

585
00:32:57,660 --> 00:33:00,930
(laughter) [Bill] Strong feelings on that, Willie.

586
00:33:00,930 --> 00:33:04,820
(Paul fake sobs) They don't know how important paper is.

587
00:33:04,820 --> 00:33:11,280
Nope, Willie. [Kevin] Gah! Aging faster than Amy Winehouse! (laughter)

588
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:14,770
Let's show them what the world would be like without paper.

589
00:33:14,770 --> 00:33:18,310
Okay, Willie. I think we can work it!

590
00:33:18,310 --> 00:33:21,620
[Bill] Sleep well, Willie. Tomorrow they will beg at our feet.

591
00:33:21,620 --> 00:33:27,010
We'll show them nothing but scorn, for that's all they deserve. Paper haters.

592
00:33:27,010 --> 00:33:29,570
And sure enough, in the morning,

593
00:33:29,570 --> 00:33:32,750
some strange things began to happen in Willie's home.

594
00:33:32,750 --> 00:33:37,100
[Paul] Floor food's good enough for my family.

595
00:33:37,100 --> 00:33:42,390
[Mike] Aww, but I didn't finish Cathy. Gee, I hope she found a good swimsuit.

596
00:33:42,390 --> 00:33:44,970
(laughter) [Kevin] Hum! De dum dum dum!

597
00:33:44,970 --> 00:33:49,800
Gee, I sure love taking things for granted. Hum, de, dum dum!

598
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:53,680
Huh? Ella? What's going on?

599
00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:58,870
[Bill] That's the reaction? Not full-throated screaming? (laughter) Help! Help!

600
00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:02,610
[Paul] Oh the collapse of reality as we know it, is such a nuisance.

601
00:34:02,610 --> 00:34:06,910
But outdoors, strange things were happening too.

602
00:34:06,910 --> 00:34:10,430
[Mike] Oh no! Someone invented the internet!

603
00:34:10,430 --> 00:34:14,400
(laughter) (applause)

604
00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:17,460
(applause)

605
00:34:17,460 --> 00:34:23,030
♪♪♪

606
00:34:23,030 --> 00:34:27,230
[Bill] (humming) My giant toilet paper roll business is ruined!

607
00:34:27,230 --> 00:34:30,150
♪♪♪

608
00:34:30,150 --> 00:34:34,200
[Kevin] Huh? (laughter)

609
00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:38,630
[Paul] Time to become Freddy Krueger.

610
00:34:38,630 --> 00:34:42,390
[Mike] Hmm. This no paper thing isn't all bad.

611
00:34:42,390 --> 00:34:46,040
World of business. No more paper work.

612
00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:49,480
We sure showed them!

613
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:53,300
[Kevin] They paid for their arrogance in blood! (laughter)

614
00:34:53,300 --> 00:34:55,250
Better get rid of me now, Willie.

615
00:34:55,250 --> 00:34:58,870
I'm all tuckered out. [Bill] I'm dying, but I lived large.

616
00:34:58,870 --> 00:35:03,050
No regrets. I drank deep man. Look!

617
00:35:03,050 --> 00:35:08,860
[Paul] We'll blot out the moon, Willie! We're gods! (laughter)

618
00:35:08,860 --> 00:35:10,860
Come with me, Wilie.

619
00:35:10,860 --> 00:35:14,640
Thousands of miles away. Across rivers, mountains and valleys.

620
00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:16,120
[Mike] Uh huh.

621
00:35:16,120 --> 00:35:19,650
Come with me Willie! All the way back to the forests of the south.

622
00:35:19,650 --> 00:35:24,060
[Mike] Shocking. You know, there are other places to fly, right Mr. Paper Bag?

623
00:35:24,060 --> 00:35:27,910
[Bill] Forests of the south are nothing. Here I am Willie!

624
00:35:27,910 --> 00:35:30,920
Here, Willie. How did you get there?

625
00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:35,890
I was planted by the farmer. [Kevin] He planted a used paper bag?

626
00:35:35,890 --> 00:35:38,150
[Bill] Eccentric fellow.

627
00:35:38,150 --> 00:35:43,940
Of the south, sends a conservation forester, to help the tree grower, treat his trees.

628
00:35:43,940 --> 00:35:48,440
[Bill] Trees are talking now. Whatever you say, sir. Get the net, man.

629
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:53,190
Working all of his wood land, for a continuous crop of trees.

630
00:35:53,190 --> 00:35:57,060
Helping him get and plant seedlings like us.

631
00:35:57,060 --> 00:36:01,090
On his worn out or abandoned land.

632
00:36:01,090 --> 00:36:06,270
[Paul] Making him ride a silly clown tractor. (Kevin humming)

633
00:36:06,270 --> 00:36:11,310
[Mike] Ah! My face! Ah! My! Ugh!

634
00:36:11,310 --> 00:36:16,580
Removing wolf trees, so healthy, well spaced trees can grow.

635
00:36:16,580 --> 00:36:19,380
[Kevin] Wondering why he planted wolf trees in the first place.

636
00:36:19,380 --> 00:36:21,420
[Bill] Wolf trees.

637
00:36:21,420 --> 00:36:26,100
Man made fires, that can take our lives, before we're fully grown.

638
00:36:26,100 --> 00:36:28,820
[Bill] You burn us, we'll burn you. You got it?

639
00:36:28,820 --> 00:36:33,740
We'll grow and grow. stronger and stronger.

640
00:36:33,740 --> 00:36:37,960
[Paul] And then we will march on Saruman. (applause)

641
00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:43,480
For the growers too.

642
00:36:43,480 --> 00:36:49,340
[Kevin] Home now. And one more thing, Willie. [Kevin] He's Columbo!

643
00:36:49,340 --> 00:36:53,020
All the needs of the nations.

644
00:36:53,020 --> 00:36:58,540
Blow Willie. Blow. Yes honey. Blow!

645
00:36:58,540 --> 00:37:02,620
[Bill] Be like Transformers Two. And blow! (laughter)

646
00:37:02,620 --> 00:37:04,370
[Bill] Too easy.

647
00:37:04,370 --> 00:37:09,050
Don't forget there'll be more and more paper bags after me.

648
00:37:09,050 --> 00:37:14,310
More and more paper products, for the whole nation.

649
00:37:14,310 --> 00:37:17,830
[Paul] I've so much more to teach you. Why!!!! Willie, why??

650
00:37:17,830 --> 00:37:21,310
(laughter)

651
00:37:21,310 --> 00:37:23,890
We'll leave it to you.

652
00:37:23,890 --> 00:37:27,760
[Mike] Willie went on to work with grocery bags for the rest of his life at Albertson's.

653
00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:29,780
[Bill] People tended to avoid him.

654
00:37:29,780 --> 00:37:34,900
(applause) [Bill] Thank you. [Kevin] Paul. F. Tompkins.

655
00:37:34,900 --> 00:37:37,550
(applause)

656
00:37:37,550 --> 00:37:42,150
(applause)

657
00:37:42,150 --> 00:37:45,940
[Kevin] Very funny man. [Bill] Yeah.

658
00:37:45,940 --> 00:37:48,200
[Kevin] And I just wanted to mention that Paul came down here,

659
00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:51,510
even though tomorrow is his wife Janie's birthday.

660
00:37:51,510 --> 00:37:54,130
[Bill] Today. [Paul] My wife Janie's birthday is today!

661
00:37:54,130 --> 00:37:59,710
And I wanted to say, since this is being simulcast to theaters

662
00:37:59,710 --> 00:38:02,440
across the nation, happy birthday Janie.

663
00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:07,600
Because she doesn't know that I'm here. I'm in Nashville, honey.

664
00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:11,320
(laughter) [Bill] What a surprise.

665
00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:13,260
[Kevin] Well, thank you for coming Paul. It's a pleasure of course.

666
00:38:13,260 --> 00:38:19,020
[Bill] What a pleasure. Check out Paul F. Tompkins.

667
00:38:19,020 --> 00:38:22,250
Burn! Simulcast! Burn!

668
00:38:22,250 --> 00:38:25,650
(applause)

669
00:38:25,650 --> 00:38:29,730
[Mike] It's. It's so sad, because he's not actually married. Really.

670
00:38:29,730 --> 00:38:32,260
[Bill] But he wears that little wedding tuxedo all the time.

671
00:38:32,260 --> 00:38:34,530
In hopes? It's really sweet.

672
00:38:34,530 --> 00:38:36,150
[Mike] Very sweet.

673
00:38:36,150 --> 00:38:37,680
[Kevin] Glad he's gone, huh?

674
00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:40,750
[Bill] What a load? [Kevin] What the hell was that, anyway?

675
00:38:40,750 --> 00:38:42,360
I hope he's not lurking back there?

676
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:44,000
[Bill] Not a chance.

677
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:45,930
[Mike] We have like, a movie or something to do, don't we?

678
00:38:45,930 --> 00:38:48,960
(Bill and Kevin) We do.

679
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:51,480
(applause) [Kevin] You guys ready for this? (cheers)

680
00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:56,160
[Kevin] Now.

681
00:38:56,160 --> 00:38:58,820
I'm sure a lot of you know about this movie, House on Haunted Hill.

682
00:38:58,820 --> 00:39:02,660
You know? Vincent Price, classic scenery, scary stuff, a theramin going.

683
00:39:02,660 --> 00:39:05,000
And you know about William Castle's special

684
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:07,050
device that he used at the beginning of the movie.

685
00:39:07,050 --> 00:39:10,380
I think it was called Magneto? Cerebro?

686
00:39:10,380 --> 00:39:12,360
[Bill] Emergo!

687
00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:13,870
[Mike] Emergo?

688
00:39:13,870 --> 00:39:18,380
[Bill] And I think the idea was that they would fly out an inflatable skeleton on.

689
00:39:18,380 --> 00:39:20,660
Sort of like, you know? Grocery.

690
00:39:20,660 --> 00:39:22,760
[Kevin] Wire. [Mike] Wire.

691
00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:27,000
[Bill] At the moments. I said grocery. What the hell was that about?

692
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:28,440
[Mike] It's the witch.

693
00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:31,850
[Bill] Grocery witch is with me! Damn you, grocery witch.

694
00:39:31,850 --> 00:39:35,350
Anyway, emergo is. Yeah, they would just float a skeleton around.

695
00:39:35,350 --> 00:39:37,200
Theoretically scary.

696
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:40,380
Those of you around the country, who have inflatable skeletons,

697
00:39:40,380 --> 00:39:41,770
start blowing them up now.

698
00:39:41,770 --> 00:39:43,370
Get ready to terrify your neighbor.

699
00:39:43,370 --> 00:39:46,670
[Kevin] Hold up your inflatable skeletons, folks. None?

700
00:39:46,670 --> 00:39:48,670
We didn't prime them for this, did we?

701
00:39:48,670 --> 00:39:50,920
[Mike] Come on! [Kevin] Oh well.

702
00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:52,850
[Mike] All right. Well, let's do this. Let's get right into it.

703
00:39:52,850 --> 00:39:54,500
It's a very funny movie.

704
00:39:54,500 --> 00:39:56,070
[Kevin] House on Haunted Hill.

705
00:39:56,070 --> 00:39:59,780
[Bill] Starring Vincent Price.

706
00:39:59,780 --> 00:40:07,830
Allied Artists Corporation presents. Presents. [Kevin] Yeah?

707
00:40:07,830 --> 00:40:10,400
[Bill] Present something, Allied Artists, dammit!

708
00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:12,310
[Kevin] Don't leave us hanging!

709
00:40:12,310 --> 00:40:16,630
Come on! (screaming)

710
00:40:16,630 --> 00:40:19,950
[Kevin] Whoa! Someone just told her M. Night Shayamalan made anther movie.

711
00:40:19,950 --> 00:40:22,820
(screaming)

712
00:40:22,820 --> 00:40:28,760
[Bill] Who is still giving that man money to make movies? (screaming)

713
00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:32,380
[Mike] Sounds like someone cracked up Homer Simpson?

714
00:40:32,380 --> 00:40:39,420
(evil laughing) [Kevin] Majestic cinematography, don't you think?

715
00:40:39,420 --> 00:40:45,110
(moaning) [Bill] Max Headroom's great uncle, Jerry Headroom. (laughter)

716
00:40:45,110 --> 00:40:50,050
The ghosts are moving tonight. Restless. Hungry.

717
00:40:50,050 --> 00:40:54,700
May I introduce myself? I'm Watson Pritchard.

718
00:40:54,700 --> 00:40:56,810
[Kevin] Retired leprechaun.

719
00:40:56,810 --> 00:41:00,670
In just a minute, I'll show you the only really haunted house in the world.

720
00:41:00,670 --> 00:41:02,410
[Bill] It's haunted by squatting hobos.

721
00:41:02,410 --> 00:41:04,780
Since it was built a century ago, seven people,

722
00:41:04,780 --> 00:41:06,980
including my brother, have been murdered in it.

723
00:41:06,980 --> 00:41:10,210
[Mike] He knows, because he murdered them. [Bill] Makes sense.

724
00:41:10,210 --> 00:41:14,480
I've only spent one night there.

725
00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:18,100
And when they found me in the morning, I was almost dead.

726
00:41:18,100 --> 00:41:20,550
[Kevin] But getting a HEAD of myself. (laughter)

727
00:41:20,550 --> 00:41:22,290
[Bill] Kevin, Kevin? You're on notice.

728
00:41:22,290 --> 00:41:24,970
[Kevin] Sorry. Sit down.

729
00:41:24,970 --> 00:41:27,660
[Bill] Sorry about that first head. I don't know who let him in here.

730
00:41:27,660 --> 00:41:30,130
(laughter)

731
00:41:30,130 --> 00:41:34,930
And I've rented a house on Haunted Hill tonight, so that my wife can give a party.

732
00:41:34,930 --> 00:41:40,190
A haunted house party. She's so amusing.

733
00:41:40,190 --> 00:41:43,460
[Mike] You should see HER mustache. (laughter)

734
00:41:43,460 --> 00:41:48,430
And perhaps, even a few murders. You're all invited.

735
00:41:48,430 --> 00:41:50,560
[Kevin] Except YOU, DARRYL!

736
00:41:50,560 --> 00:41:52,620
If any of you will spend the next 12 hours in this house,

737
00:41:52,620 --> 00:41:55,180
I'll give you each ten thousand dollars.

738
00:41:55,180 --> 00:41:59,720
Or, your next of kin in case you don't survive.

739
00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:01,660
Ah, but here come our other guests.

740
00:42:01,660 --> 00:42:05,760
[Bill] Right after my head is re-ensmallened. There we go.

741
00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:09,260
This was my wife's idea to have our guests come in funeral cars.

742
00:42:09,260 --> 00:42:11,050
[Mike] I wanted them to come on segways,

743
00:42:11,050 --> 00:42:13,860
so I could point and yell "Nerds!!!" (laughter)

744
00:42:13,860 --> 00:42:16,900
Her sense of humor, is shall we say? Original.

745
00:42:16,900 --> 00:42:19,900
I dreamed up the hearse. It's empty now.

746
00:42:19,900 --> 00:42:24,060
But after a night in the house on Haunted Hill, who knows?

747
00:42:24,060 --> 00:42:26,890
[Kevin] So who's idea was it to have them drive 4 miles an hour?

748
00:42:26,890 --> 00:42:31,010
This is Lance Schroeder, test pilot. No doubt a brave man.

749
00:42:31,010 --> 00:42:33,910
But don't you think you can be much braver, if you're paid for it?

750
00:42:33,910 --> 00:42:37,410
[Bill] It's true of the food tester for Arby's too. (laughter)

751
00:42:37,410 --> 00:42:41,840
If he's brave enough to stay all night.

752
00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:45,080
This is Ruth Bridges. You've no doubt, read her column in the newspapers.

753
00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:46,480
[Kevin] Sex advice column.

754
00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:49,990
Her reason for coming to the party is to write a feature article on ghosts.

755
00:42:49,990 --> 00:42:54,620
She's also desperate for money. Gambles.

756
00:42:54,620 --> 00:42:57,050
[Bill] Bum fights, mostly. (laughter)

757
00:42:57,050 --> 00:43:01,300
You've already met Watson Pritchard. A man living in mortal fear of a house.

758
00:43:01,300 --> 00:43:05,320
And yet he is risking his life to spend another night here. I wonder why?

759
00:43:05,320 --> 00:43:10,400
He says for money. [Mike] But really, his apartment is being bug bombed.

760
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:13,170
This is Dr. David Trent. A psychiatrist.

761
00:43:13,170 --> 00:43:17,040
He dreams that my ghosts will help his work on hysteria.

762
00:43:17,040 --> 00:43:23,460
But don't you see a little touch of greed there? Around his mouth? (laughter)

763
00:43:23,460 --> 00:43:27,760
[Bill] Oh that? Sorry! No, that's mustard! Not greed.

764
00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:30,550
I picked her from the thousands of people who work for me,

765
00:43:30,550 --> 00:43:33,380
because she needed the ten thousand more than most.

766
00:43:33,380 --> 00:43:35,880
Supports her whole family.

767
00:43:35,880 --> 00:43:39,610
Isn't she pretty? [Kevin] In a mom from the Family Circus kind of way.

768
00:43:39,610 --> 00:43:43,320
(laughter) The party's starting now.

769
00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:46,980
And you have until midnight to find the house on Haunted Hill.

770
00:43:46,980 --> 00:43:51,340
[Mike] Uh, I don't need that long. It's right there. (laughter)

771
00:43:51,340 --> 00:43:54,800
[Kevin] Even put up a sign. [Bill] Clearly labeled.

772
00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:59,070
Say it's that one, definitely, where all the cars are pulling up to.

773
00:43:59,070 --> 00:44:02,880
Could have made this a little harder? (Mike laughs)

774
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:07,950
♪♪♪

775
00:44:07,950 --> 00:44:11,560
[Mike] I just brought a gym bag full of jock straps. Hope that's all I need.

776
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:14,050
(laughter)

777
00:44:14,050 --> 00:44:16,750
[Bill] The women both brought their ventriloquist dummies.

778
00:44:16,750 --> 00:44:19,290
That could cause.

779
00:44:19,290 --> 00:44:23,260
[Kevin] Okay, so. The hill is haunted, right? The house is perfectly safe.

780
00:44:23,260 --> 00:44:24,500
[Bill] Oh right. Right, right.

781
00:44:24,500 --> 00:44:28,120
When they built the restaurant, on "we spit on your food" Lane.

782
00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:33,950
Actually really great food there. [Mike] Great food.

783
00:44:33,950 --> 00:44:39,310
♪♪♪ [Kevin] (singing) Was a very good year.

784
00:44:39,310 --> 00:44:42,190
♪♪♪ [Mike] Did you guys get Fiji water in your hearse too?

785
00:44:42,190 --> 00:44:44,560
[Kevin] Oh yeah, I saved mine. I'm gonna drink it later.

786
00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:48,950
[Mike] Cool. [Bill] You know guys, this is a Frank Lloyd Wright house?

787
00:44:48,950 --> 00:44:52,690
[Mike] No kidding? Wow, he really phoned it in on this one, didn't he?

788
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:55,260
[Bill] I hear he was drunk at the time.

789
00:44:55,260 --> 00:44:56,710
[Kevin] (slurring words) That's right.

790
00:44:56,710 --> 00:44:58,550
Take some paving stones and glue them to a cement bunker.

791
00:44:58,550 --> 00:45:00,820
I'm Frank lloyd Wright, dammit!

792
00:45:00,820 --> 00:45:02,980
[Bill] Drunk Frank Llloyd Wright.

793
00:45:02,980 --> 00:45:09,290
♪♪♪

794
00:45:09,290 --> 00:45:15,670
[Mike] And dissolve to the very same shot. Good. (laughter)

795
00:45:15,670 --> 00:45:17,500
♪♪♪ [Bill] This is during the brief period when Frank Lloyd Wright

796
00:45:17,500 --> 00:45:20,350
included in all his designs, a whizzing balcony.

797
00:45:20,350 --> 00:45:21,970
[Kevin] Yeah. I need a place to go.

798
00:45:21,970 --> 00:45:25,480
Where I can "I.M. Pei", because that's what I think of his work, okay?

799
00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:27,800
I'm Frank Lloyd Wright.

800
00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:29,740
[Bill] Drunk Frank Lloyd Wright, ladies and gentlemen.

801
00:45:29,740 --> 00:45:31,810
[Kevin] One of my favorites.

802
00:45:31,810 --> 00:45:33,160
(applause)

803
00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:35,650
[Mike] Sounds just like him.

804
00:45:35,650 --> 00:45:41,010
Help! I locked myself, I mean the ghosts locked me in here! Oh! ♪♪♪

805
00:45:41,010 --> 00:45:44,060
♪♪♪ [Mike] Help?

806
00:45:44,060 --> 00:45:49,450
♪♪♪

807
00:45:49,450 --> 00:45:52,960
[Bill] Yep! This is what I like to do when I first meet people.

808
00:45:52,960 --> 00:45:58,290
Kind of wander around them vacantly, not saying anything. People love it!

809
00:45:58,290 --> 00:46:02,360
[Mike] Yeah, yeah. ♪♪♪

810
00:46:02,360 --> 00:46:04,380
[Kevin] The hilarious "wipe your paws" doormat,

811
00:46:04,380 --> 00:46:06,660
does seem a touch out of place here.

812
00:46:06,660 --> 00:46:10,920
I don't know. ♪♪♪

813
00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:13,970
[Mike] I don't know about ghosts, but the place is loaded with hanta virus.

814
00:46:13,970 --> 00:46:17,640
(laughter) ♪♪♪

815
00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:22,720
♪♪♪ [Bill] The screenplay in its entirety so far

816
00:46:22,720 --> 00:46:26,620
reads "Some people walk into a building." (laughter)

817
00:46:26,620 --> 00:46:31,210
(laughter)

818
00:46:31,210 --> 00:46:35,370
Well, where is everybody? It isn't a very warm welcome, is it?

819
00:46:35,370 --> 00:46:38,210
Only the ghosts in this house are glad we're here.

820
00:46:38,210 --> 00:46:41,430
[Kevin] They made too much paella and were worried it would go to waste.

821
00:46:41,430 --> 00:46:43,670
[Bill] Thoughtful ghosts.

822
00:46:43,670 --> 00:46:46,980
Do you two know each other? I'm afraid I don't even know your name?

823
00:46:46,980 --> 00:46:49,440
I'm Nora Manning. Lance Schroeder.

824
00:46:49,440 --> 00:46:52,380
[Bill] Of the east Haunted Hill Schroeders? Friend of yours.

825
00:46:52,380 --> 00:46:54,990
I've heard of him, but I've never met him.

826
00:46:54,990 --> 00:46:57,870
I work for one of his companies, but I've never seen him.

827
00:46:57,870 --> 00:47:01,520
I've never met the man, either. Just a phone call. Do you know him?

828
00:47:01,520 --> 00:47:02,910
[Kevin] Anonymous truck stop sex!

829
00:47:02,910 --> 00:47:07,760
I mean, no. I've never met him. (laughter) I don't know him.

830
00:47:07,760 --> 00:47:10,660
All the details about renting the house were done by mail.

831
00:47:10,660 --> 00:47:12,270
[Bill] Yeah. He's quite wealthy, isn't he?

832
00:47:12,270 --> 00:47:17,570
Millions. And five wives, I believe. Four I think so far.

833
00:47:17,570 --> 00:47:19,840
A $50,000 party for only five people

834
00:47:19,840 --> 00:47:21,950
is a little steep, even for a millionaire.

835
00:47:21,950 --> 00:47:23,670
[Mike] Fifty thousand dollar potty?

836
00:47:23,670 --> 00:47:26,750
(laughter) Steep for a crapper, isn't it?

837
00:47:26,750 --> 00:47:28,200
Well, if I was gonna haunt anybody, this

838
00:47:28,200 --> 00:47:29,810
would certainly be the house I'd do it in.

839
00:47:29,810 --> 00:47:32,950
[Kevin] And this would be the hill I'd do it on.

840
00:47:32,950 --> 00:47:36,080
♪♪♪ Who closed the door?

841
00:47:36,080 --> 00:47:40,990
[Bill] They have a very large well-trained cat.

842
00:47:40,990 --> 00:47:45,830
♪♪♪ [Mike] Visible party animals, swinging from the chandelier.

843
00:47:45,830 --> 00:47:51,500
[Bill] Hey bro! All solid steel. (crashing)

844
00:47:51,500 --> 00:47:52,880
[Kevin] That almost fell on you.

845
00:47:52,880 --> 00:47:55,700
Better let me take off your bra! (laughter)

846
00:47:55,700 --> 00:48:00,540
♪♪♪

847
00:48:00,540 --> 00:48:04,160
[Mike] House infested with Vincent Price? Call Vincent Price-away.

848
00:48:04,160 --> 00:48:08,580
(laughter)

849
00:48:08,580 --> 00:48:13,810
♪♪♪ (Kevin does evil laugh)

850
00:48:13,810 --> 00:48:18,330
[Kevin] Honey! Where are the pork rinds? Honey?

851
00:48:18,330 --> 00:48:22,700
Annabelle? Our guests are here and fortunately still alive.

852
00:48:22,700 --> 00:48:26,020
Is your face on yet?

853
00:48:26,020 --> 00:48:29,850
[Bill] Her face but not her shirt, apparently. Wow!

854
00:48:29,850 --> 00:48:32,240
(laughter) (indistinct)

855
00:48:32,240 --> 00:48:34,110
Wouldn't you have had the place cleaned?

856
00:48:34,110 --> 00:48:37,320
Atmosphere, darling. You know how ghosts are. They never tidy up.

857
00:48:37,320 --> 00:48:40,230
That's a very fetching outfit.

858
00:48:40,230 --> 00:48:43,300
But hardly suitable for a party. I'm not going to the party.

859
00:48:43,300 --> 00:48:46,330
[Kevin] I AM the party! (laughter)

860
00:48:46,330 --> 00:48:50,560
Since it's gonna cost me $50,000, I want you to have fun.

861
00:48:50,560 --> 00:48:53,910
The party was my idea, until you invited all the guests.

862
00:48:53,910 --> 00:48:58,810
Why all these strangers and none of our friends? Friends?

863
00:48:58,810 --> 00:49:02,600
[Bill] (singing Friends theme song) So no one told you life was gonna be this way!

864
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:06,040
[Mike] Would you, cut that out? Each guest.

865
00:49:06,040 --> 00:49:10,680
[Mike] Stop it! [Bill] Can't sell that one.

866
00:49:10,680 --> 00:49:13,980
Typist, and from drunks to jet pilots.

867
00:49:13,980 --> 00:49:19,620
[Mike] And from Justin to Kelly. (laughter) [Bill] Friends was better.

868
00:49:19,620 --> 00:49:23,230
(indistinct) And you call this a party?

869
00:49:23,230 --> 00:49:25,210
Could be.

870
00:49:25,210 --> 00:49:29,890
[Bill] Depends on whether those nuts from Sigma Nu bring their beer bong!

871
00:49:29,890 --> 00:49:32,270
(cheers) Beer bong fans in the audience.

872
00:49:32,270 --> 00:49:35,790
Pour the champagne? Might explode. Never does.

873
00:49:35,790 --> 00:49:38,810
[Kevin] Remind you of anything, dear?

874
00:49:38,810 --> 00:49:41,400
That isn't funny, Frederick.

875
00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:45,380
Make a good headline. "Playboy kills wife with champagne cork".

876
00:49:45,380 --> 00:49:48,040
[Mike] Well how about "Wife rams champagne bottle up playboy's..."

877
00:49:48,040 --> 00:49:51,090
[Bill] That's enough! (laughter)

878
00:49:51,090 --> 00:49:56,000
Just a sip might improve your humor. My humor is fine, thanks.

879
00:49:56,000 --> 00:49:59,680
And I haven't poisoned it.

880
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:04,490
It's always good to know that. [Bill] Ah, Crystal. I hope rappers never discover it.

881
00:50:04,490 --> 00:50:06,820
(laughter)

882
00:50:06,820 --> 00:50:09,550
Have some. You'll enjoy the party more.

883
00:50:09,550 --> 00:50:14,500
[Mike] Allow me to serve it to your breasts. (laughter)

884
00:50:14,500 --> 00:50:17,240
[Kevin] Oh yeah! Come to mama! (slurps)

885
00:50:17,240 --> 00:50:20,700
(Kevin burps)

886
00:50:20,700 --> 00:50:25,230
[Bill] Wouldn't think she would be so indelicate. I'm not going to the party.

887
00:50:25,230 --> 00:50:29,170
Of all my wives, you're the least agreeable. But still alive.

888
00:50:29,170 --> 00:50:33,270
Hmm. Would you go away for a million dollars if tax free?

889
00:50:33,270 --> 00:50:36,230
[Bill] It's also a standing off to Levy Johnston.

890
00:50:36,230 --> 00:50:40,560
(laughter) Your jealousy isn't tax free.

891
00:50:40,560 --> 00:50:43,380
Your possessiveness is maddening.

892
00:50:43,380 --> 00:50:45,520
[Kevin] And you always have egg yolk in your mustache.

893
00:50:45,520 --> 00:50:50,690
Man have grounds for divorce. But can't prove them?

894
00:50:50,690 --> 00:50:53,810
The time will come. You'll slip up one of these days.

895
00:50:53,810 --> 00:50:56,810
Think so? (indistinct).

896
00:50:56,810 --> 00:51:00,160
You remember the fun we had when you poisoned me?

897
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:03,430
[Mike] Ha! I'm always saying that to my own wife. (laughter)

898
00:51:03,430 --> 00:51:05,040
Something you ate, the doctor said.

899
00:51:05,040 --> 00:51:07,490
Yes. Arsenic on the rocks.

900
00:51:07,490 --> 00:51:09,280
[Kevin] I regret ordering that now.

901
00:51:09,280 --> 00:51:12,150
Annabelle, you'd do it again, if you

902
00:51:12,150 --> 00:51:14,340
thought you could get away with it, wouldn't you?

903
00:51:14,340 --> 00:51:16,380
Darling, what makes you think that?

904
00:51:16,380 --> 00:51:18,830
Something about you.

905
00:51:18,830 --> 00:51:21,990
[Bill] Probably your I heart poisoning tattoo.

906
00:51:21,990 --> 00:51:26,870
(laughter) Poisoning. Very uncomfortable, in case you get any more ideas.

907
00:51:26,870 --> 00:51:31,570
[Kevin] Well, all right! Time to go heat up the crock pot meatballs! For the party.

908
00:51:31,570 --> 00:51:35,220
Darling, the only ghoul in the house is you.

909
00:51:35,220 --> 00:51:40,490
And don't sit up all night, thinking of ways to get rid of me. It makes wrinkles.

910
00:51:40,490 --> 00:51:43,400
[Mike] And I want you as smooth as a boy's bottom. I mean baby's bottom.

911
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:46,370
Look, I gotta go. (laughter)

912
00:51:46,370 --> 00:51:51,050
[Kevin] Wow. ♪♪♪

913
00:51:51,050 --> 00:51:55,540
♪♪♪ [Bill] Huh. Wish I had this when I ran into Crocodile Dundee.

914
00:51:55,540 --> 00:51:58,780
Show him what a knife is. (Mike laughs)

915
00:51:58,780 --> 00:52:02,620
Hacked to pieces. We found parts of the bodies all over the house.

916
00:52:02,620 --> 00:52:05,510
In places you wouldn't think. [Kevin] What? Like a cereal box?

917
00:52:05,510 --> 00:52:07,930
Funny thing, is the heads have never been found.

918
00:52:07,930 --> 00:52:12,070
[Kevin] Well, did you check the cereal? But no heads.

919
00:52:12,070 --> 00:52:15,760
The wife, probably in a rage, threatened her husband with a knife.

920
00:52:15,760 --> 00:52:19,850
And then, carried away by hysteria, took a swing at him and went on from there.

921
00:52:19,850 --> 00:52:23,060
But then she certainly went on. How many people did she kill, Mr. Pritchard?

922
00:52:23,060 --> 00:52:27,560
[Bill] Ha ha! Besides your brother, I mean! Ha ha ha! Ah.

923
00:52:27,560 --> 00:52:30,480
So there are two loose heads just floating around.

924
00:52:30,480 --> 00:52:32,030
[Bill] I murdered you brother.

925
00:52:32,030 --> 00:52:34,850
You can hear them at night. They whisper to each other.

926
00:52:34,850 --> 00:52:38,580
And then cry. [Mike] But mostly they just rot.

927
00:52:38,580 --> 00:52:41,680
Our hosts will be here. Does anyone care to mix me a drink?

928
00:52:41,680 --> 00:52:43,730
Certainly. What will you have?

929
00:52:43,730 --> 00:52:47,230
[Bill] LOTS of something! (laughter)

930
00:52:47,230 --> 00:52:52,790
Good evening. [Kevin] Let's get crunk, bitches! (laughter)

931
00:52:52,790 --> 00:52:55,720
(applause) [Bill] Fans of crunk, and bitches.

932
00:52:55,720 --> 00:52:58,780
Let's get acquainted with a drink, shall we? Mr. Loren?

933
00:52:58,780 --> 00:53:00,330
[Bill] Lance hit me!

934
00:53:00,330 --> 00:53:02,500
I advise you to call this party off now.

935
00:53:02,500 --> 00:53:05,280
The ghosts are already moving and that's a bad sign.

936
00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:08,400
Let me apologize for my wife. She'll join us later.

937
00:53:08,400 --> 00:53:10,050
What'll you have? Scotch and.

938
00:53:10,050 --> 00:53:11,670
Scotch and? I'll have the same.

939
00:53:11,670 --> 00:53:13,440
[Mike] Regular or poisoned? (laughter)

940
00:53:13,440 --> 00:53:16,790
Now, before the party begins, let's go over the details.

941
00:53:16,790 --> 00:53:20,100
The caretakers will leave at midnight, locking

942
00:53:20,100 --> 00:53:23,030
us in here until they come back in the morning.

943
00:53:23,030 --> 00:53:26,240
Once the door is locked, there's no way out.

944
00:53:26,240 --> 00:53:30,050
[Bill] Might as well hook up then, huh? (laughter)

945
00:53:30,050 --> 00:53:35,580
The only door to the outside locks like a vault. There's no electricity,

946
00:53:35,580 --> 00:53:39,200
No phone, no one within miles.

947
00:53:39,200 --> 00:53:44,630
So no way to call for help. Like a coffin.

948
00:53:44,630 --> 00:53:46,320
[Mike] Ugh. Not another coffin comparison.

949
00:53:46,320 --> 00:53:48,480
Yes, Pritchard. It's like a coffin too.

950
00:53:48,480 --> 00:53:50,180
(laughter)

951
00:53:50,180 --> 00:53:53,310
If you decide not to stay for the party, you must let me know before midnight.

952
00:53:53,310 --> 00:53:57,580
Of course if you leave, I shant be able to pay you anything.

953
00:53:57,580 --> 00:54:01,920
I'm interested in your reasons, for this uh...party.

954
00:54:01,920 --> 00:54:05,560
[Kevin] Potty? Are you aware of the letter R? (laughter)

955
00:54:05,560 --> 00:54:11,770
Ghosts, doctor. I think everyone wonders what they would do if they saw a ghost?

956
00:54:11,770 --> 00:54:14,120
[Bill] Compare it to a coffin?

957
00:54:14,120 --> 00:54:16,350
[Kevin] We know what you do! (laughter)

958
00:54:16,350 --> 00:54:20,980
Amusing. Ghosts, etc.

959
00:54:20,980 --> 00:54:25,600
Being only creations of hysteria, your party should be a success.

960
00:54:25,600 --> 00:54:28,650
[Mike] I made a successful potty today. (applause)

961
00:54:28,650 --> 00:54:30,060
[Kevin] Good for you, Mike!

962
00:54:30,060 --> 00:54:33,770
[Bill] Very, very proud of you Mike. (laughter) High time, I say.

963
00:54:33,770 --> 00:54:39,090
That's cheerful. Four men have been murdered in this house.

964
00:54:39,090 --> 00:54:42,530
[Bill] Their coffins were like coffins! [Kevin] Would you stop that?

965
00:54:42,530 --> 00:54:44,140
[Mike] Cut that out!

966
00:54:44,140 --> 00:54:46,080
Four of us are men, three are women.

967
00:54:46,080 --> 00:54:49,270
Now a ghost for everybody.

968
00:54:49,270 --> 00:54:51,010
Pritchard, why don't you take us on a tour

969
00:54:51,010 --> 00:54:53,590
through the house, and let's see what happens.

970
00:54:53,590 --> 00:54:56,530
[Bill] (laughs) Swing by the place where they murdered your brother.

971
00:54:56,530 --> 00:54:58,520
Then to the place where they found his torso,

972
00:54:58,520 --> 00:55:00,620
and then the place where you broke down in tears,

973
00:55:00,620 --> 00:55:02,320
when they found the body!

974
00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:07,710
(guys fake sob) [Bill] Oh! We have fun!

975
00:55:07,710 --> 00:55:11,030
A young girl was killed here.

976
00:55:11,030 --> 00:55:14,370
And whatever got her, wasn't human. Don't stand there!

977
00:55:14,370 --> 00:55:17,870
Where? [Kevin] Right under that Jiffy Lube. see?

978
00:55:17,870 --> 00:55:21,870
♪♪♪

979
00:55:21,870 --> 00:55:23,930
[Mike] Eh. I'm cool with it.

980
00:55:23,930 --> 00:55:27,970
(laughter)

981
00:55:27,970 --> 00:55:30,580
Too late, they've marked you. Ridiculous.

982
00:55:30,580 --> 00:55:35,080
The roof probably leaks. That must be what it is. Who would want to haunt me?

983
00:55:35,080 --> 00:55:37,960
I would say any self-respecting male ghost.

984
00:55:37,960 --> 00:55:42,330
[Bill] Eeww! (laughter) Well, Mr. Pritchard, you're the life of the party.

985
00:55:42,330 --> 00:55:44,390
He hasn't even started yet.

986
00:55:44,390 --> 00:55:47,940
Wasn't there a man who threw his wife into a wine vat or something?

987
00:55:47,940 --> 00:55:52,010
That was in the cellar. There's been a murder almost every place in this house.

988
00:55:52,010 --> 00:55:58,000
[Kevin] And by murder, I mean Tupperware party.

989
00:55:58,000 --> 00:56:00,160
♪♪♪ [Mike] There's a murder there, murder by book case, murder

990
00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:03,360
over there. Historic 17th century milk jug, there,

991
00:56:03,360 --> 00:56:07,800
which was used to murder someone. (laughter)

992
00:56:07,800 --> 00:56:14,640
All this belonged to a Mr. Norton, who didn't die here. He was electrocuted later.

993
00:56:14,640 --> 00:56:19,050
[Bill] Tried to lick the crumbs from the bottom of his toaster. Dope.

994
00:56:19,050 --> 00:56:23,300
He did a good deal of experimenting with wines.

995
00:56:23,300 --> 00:56:25,800
But his wife didn't think it was any good.

996
00:56:25,800 --> 00:56:29,530
So he filled the vat with acid, and threw her in.

997
00:56:29,530 --> 00:56:31,490
[Kevin] She said it tasted better than his wine.

998
00:56:31,490 --> 00:56:37,960
But the bones came up. It's a funny thing.

999
00:56:37,960 --> 00:56:45,350
[Mike] What? Ziggy? The murders here were just ordinary. Shooting, or stabbing.

1000
00:56:45,350 --> 00:56:48,800
[Bill] Forcing someone to watch NBC's Outsourced.

1001
00:56:48,800 --> 00:56:53,010
Take that, Outsourced. (Mike laughs) Look out!

1002
00:56:53,010 --> 00:56:56,650
[Mike] I forgot how to stand! (laughter)

1003
00:56:56,650 --> 00:56:59,440
You mean there's still acid in there?

1004
00:56:59,440 --> 00:57:02,090
[Kevin] Well have you ever tried to get rid of four tons of acid in your basement?

1005
00:57:02,090 --> 00:57:05,020
Do you know how expensive that is?

1006
00:57:05,020 --> 00:57:09,520
We've all tried. ♪♪♪

1007
00:57:09,520 --> 00:57:14,250
[Bill] Templeton! No! [Mike] Charlotte! Wilbur!

1008
00:57:14,250 --> 00:57:18,010
My head's caught in this trap. Oh! It hurts!

1009
00:57:18,010 --> 00:57:23,270
But it's kind of nice at the same time. (laughter)

1010
00:57:23,270 --> 00:57:25,780
Destroys everything with hair and flesh.

1011
00:57:25,780 --> 00:57:33,450
Just leaves the bones. [Bill] Like Aretha Franklin in a waffle house. (laughter)

1012
00:57:33,450 --> 00:57:38,500
[Mike] Bad man. (laughter)

1013
00:57:38,500 --> 00:57:42,580
[Bill] Oh, this tour is boring. My.

1014
00:57:42,580 --> 00:57:46,160
Dry and dusty down here.

1015
00:57:46,160 --> 00:57:49,630
There's a cure for (indistinct).

1016
00:57:49,630 --> 00:57:52,720
[Kevin] I've got a whole bunch of Swiffers upstairs.

1017
00:57:52,720 --> 00:57:54,660
[Bill] Swiffers! Oh boy! [Mike] Swiffer party!

1018
00:57:54,660 --> 00:57:59,800
[Kevin] Swiffers.

1019
00:57:59,800 --> 00:58:04,180
[Bill] Are you as turned on as I am right now? (laughter)

1020
00:58:04,180 --> 00:58:06,140
How did you get invited to this party?

1021
00:58:06,140 --> 00:58:09,130
[Mike] Oh! Swing and a miss! (knocks)

1022
00:58:09,130 --> 00:58:12,520
I mean what did he tell you?

1023
00:58:12,520 --> 00:58:16,390
[Kevin] He said to watch out for the date rapey guy. (laughter)

1024
00:58:16,390 --> 00:58:19,340
Mr. Loren said everybody would get $10,000.

1025
00:58:19,340 --> 00:58:22,680
But he didn't say anything being locked in. No.

1026
00:58:22,680 --> 00:58:27,330
He just made the deal with me on the phone. But nothing about having to stay.

1027
00:58:27,330 --> 00:58:29,220
[Bill] Though he did tell me to bring footy pajamas.

1028
00:58:29,220 --> 00:58:31,260
Aren't you going to stay?

1029
00:58:31,260 --> 00:58:33,790
If I don't, I lose $10,000.

1030
00:58:33,790 --> 00:58:39,490
I'm going to stay too. $10,000.

1031
00:58:39,490 --> 00:58:42,560
Yeah. [Mike] Invest that in Edsel, I think we'll be all set.

1032
00:58:42,560 --> 00:58:45,050
Do you believe in ghosts?

1033
00:58:45,050 --> 00:58:48,510
I don't know. Well, I agree with what that doc says.

1034
00:58:48,510 --> 00:58:51,750
You can spook yourself. I've done it in planes.

1035
00:58:51,750 --> 00:58:54,800
See things that weren't really there. Or were they?

1036
00:58:54,800 --> 00:58:58,200
[Kevin] (laughs) So, rooofy? (laughter)

1037
00:58:58,200 --> 00:59:00,380
Ten thousand. If we get it?

1038
00:59:00,380 --> 00:59:03,760
What do you mean if we get it? Won't he pay us if we stay?

1039
00:59:03,760 --> 00:59:08,250
Ah sure he will. Ten thousand is no more to him than a nickel is to us.

1040
00:59:08,250 --> 00:59:11,710
We were in an automobile accident.

1041
00:59:11,710 --> 00:59:16,370
Now I'm the only one in the family who can make any money.

1042
00:59:16,370 --> 00:59:19,940
I have never seen so many doors. [Bill] Her entire family was crippled.

1043
00:59:19,940 --> 00:59:26,530
This guy wants to talk about doors! Closet.

1044
00:59:26,530 --> 00:59:28,600
[Kevin] Yes, so my father died before the ambulance came,

1045
00:59:28,600 --> 00:59:32,390
my little sister never walked again. I lost my brother about a month later.

1046
00:59:32,390 --> 00:59:34,980
I do therapy, but I'm not sure it helps.

1047
00:59:34,980 --> 00:59:41,230
Bottles. [Mike] My mom's face was so mangled, that when we got home,

1048
00:59:41,230 --> 00:59:45,200
the dog didn't recognize her, so it attacked her, and messed her up pretty bad.

1049
00:59:45,200 --> 00:59:49,670
We had to put the dog down. At night, I scream myself awake on the hour.

1050
00:59:49,670 --> 00:59:55,050
[Bill] Hey! Canned peaches! (laughter)

1051
00:59:55,050 --> 00:59:58,500
Does it go anywhere? [Kevin] You mean our relationship?

1052
00:59:58,500 --> 01:00:00,530
♪♪♪ Lance!

1053
01:00:00,530 --> 01:00:06,350
Lance! [Mike] Are there any bottles in there? Is it a closet?

1054
01:00:06,350 --> 01:00:10,290
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Wow. Dark, creepy basement.

1055
01:00:10,290 --> 01:00:13,560
Good place to play World of Warcraft. (cheers)

1056
01:00:13,560 --> 01:00:16,460
[Bill] Except there's a woman there. [Mike] Yeah. [Kevin] That's right.

1057
01:00:16,460 --> 01:00:18,550
[Mike] That's not gonna work.

1058
01:00:18,550 --> 01:00:24,160
(applause) ♪♪♪

1059
01:00:24,160 --> 01:00:26,780
♪♪♪ [Mike] Did you get the full tour?

1060
01:00:26,780 --> 01:00:30,390
Ah, over there is a closet, and behind that door, some bottles.

1061
01:00:30,390 --> 01:00:35,350
Ah? ♪♪♪

1062
01:00:35,350 --> 01:00:43,810
♪♪♪ [Mike] So again, closet there. (laughter) Bottles. I'm gonna get going.

1063
01:00:43,810 --> 01:00:47,520
[Bill] May I suggest you scream, and perhaps stuff your fist in your mouth?

1064
01:00:47,520 --> 01:00:51,600
Classic. ♪♪♪

1065
01:00:51,600 --> 01:00:58,020
♪♪♪ [Mike] Pretty much how all of Lance's dates end.

1066
01:00:58,020 --> 01:01:02,940
♪♪♪ [Bill] Party's taking off! Look at that. Help me! Please!

1067
01:01:02,940 --> 01:01:06,220
Lance is gone! And there's a ghost. See what I mean?

1068
01:01:06,220 --> 01:01:08,730
Please! Please! Come on!

1069
01:01:08,730 --> 01:01:11,250
Did you say Lance is gone? Gone where?

1070
01:01:11,250 --> 01:01:15,200
[Kevin] Lance? I thought you said booze. Ugh. I'll stay here and guard the booze.

1071
01:01:15,200 --> 01:01:19,470
(laughter) ♪♪♪

1072
01:01:19,470 --> 01:01:22,710
♪♪♪ We'll have to break it down, it's locked.

1073
01:01:22,710 --> 01:01:26,060
[Mike] Oh, you said locked. Again I thought you said booze?

1074
01:01:26,060 --> 01:01:28,180
[Bill] She hears that a lot, doesn't she?

1075
01:01:28,180 --> 01:01:33,020
♪♪♪

1076
01:01:33,020 --> 01:01:36,560
♪♪♪ [Bill] Eh. It was really dark, and I fell and I hurt my knee cap.

1077
01:01:36,560 --> 01:01:38,880
Can I have a Yoohoo?

1078
01:01:38,880 --> 01:01:43,760
Nothing that money won't cure. I must have. Must have bumped my head.

1079
01:01:43,760 --> 01:01:46,360
The only way you can bump your head in here,

1080
01:01:46,360 --> 01:01:49,490
is to run head on into the wall.

1081
01:01:49,490 --> 01:01:52,810
[Kevin] Well, yeah. That's what I did. (laughter) You didn't do that, did you?

1082
01:01:52,810 --> 01:01:58,490
Let's get a bandage on him.

1083
01:01:58,490 --> 01:02:01,500
♪♪♪ [Mike] He's a test pilot, ladies and gentlemen.

1084
01:02:01,500 --> 01:02:04,450
[Bill] I tried to break the sound barrier with my head.

1085
01:02:04,450 --> 01:02:08,100
(laughter) Wonder why they didn't kill him?

1086
01:02:08,100 --> 01:02:13,020
Who? He didn't bump his head. They hit him.

1087
01:02:13,020 --> 01:02:15,330
They?

1088
01:02:15,330 --> 01:02:21,900
[Kevin] Yeah. Count Chocula, Frankenberry, Boo berry, the breakfast ghouls!

1089
01:02:21,900 --> 01:02:27,990
♪♪♪ [Mike] He hears the call of the ugly. (laughter)

1090
01:02:27,990 --> 01:02:29,850
♪♪♪ [Bill] Meanwhile, in Mesopotamia.

1091
01:02:29,850 --> 01:02:32,820
(laughter)

1092
01:02:32,820 --> 01:02:35,020
[Kevin] Ow. Ow.

1093
01:02:35,020 --> 01:02:38,780
Nora, when you came in, you said something about a ghost?

1094
01:02:38,780 --> 01:02:41,570
[Kevin] What are you doing? What is that thing? No! Owwwww!

1095
01:02:41,570 --> 01:02:46,160
It was wearing a black thing, that went all the way to the floor.

1096
01:02:46,160 --> 01:02:50,310
[Mike] Oh. Justice Scalia, then. (laughter) [Bill] Obviously.

1097
01:02:50,310 --> 01:02:54,980
That Mr. Loren, is hysteria.

1098
01:02:54,980 --> 01:02:58,050
Well then doctor, how do explain what happened to Lance?

1099
01:02:58,050 --> 01:03:01,580
Was that hysteria too? [Kevin] No. That was idiocy.

1100
01:03:01,580 --> 01:03:05,110
You'd better get that checked in a day or so.

1101
01:03:05,110 --> 01:03:06,630
Thanks, doc.

1102
01:03:06,630 --> 01:03:08,600
[Bill] This guy gets so many head wounds from coming onto women,

1103
01:03:08,600 --> 01:03:13,060
he doesn't even notice anymore. (laughter)

1104
01:03:13,060 --> 01:03:15,960
Wait for me in the hall.

1105
01:03:15,960 --> 01:03:18,100
[Mike] That guy looks more like a leprechaun

1106
01:03:18,100 --> 01:03:22,430
than the leprechaun in Leprechaun Two (laughter).

1107
01:03:22,430 --> 01:03:27,080
[Bill] Not one. ...believe in your pet ghost, don't you Pritchard?

1108
01:03:27,080 --> 01:03:31,700
Before the night's over, you will too. Would you like a drink Lance?

1109
01:03:31,700 --> 01:03:34,500
Oh no thanks. I'd like one. Scotch and.

1110
01:03:34,500 --> 01:03:40,390
[Kevin] Scotch and more scotch. With scotch on the side. (laughter)

1111
01:03:40,390 --> 01:03:46,460
[Bill] First two nights of Hanukkah covered. (laughter)

1112
01:03:46,460 --> 01:03:52,060
Ten thousand dollars. Will there be much red tape? Delays?

1113
01:03:52,060 --> 01:03:55,170
In a hurry, dear? Frankly, yes.

1114
01:03:55,170 --> 01:04:00,250
Practically. There you are my dear.

1115
01:04:00,250 --> 01:04:03,730
[Kevin] After that, we'll have to punch open the box of Walmart scotch.

1116
01:04:03,730 --> 01:04:07,460
(laughter)

1117
01:04:07,460 --> 01:04:09,570
[Mike] All right, this time YOU run headlong into a wall,

1118
01:04:09,570 --> 01:04:11,810
and I'll scream like a girl, all right?

1119
01:04:11,810 --> 01:04:14,290
[Kevin] What's the point? [Mike] I'm a test pilot!

1120
01:04:14,290 --> 01:04:18,520
[Kevin] Okay. [Bill] So here is where I took my pants off,

1121
01:04:18,520 --> 01:04:21,690
so allow me to do that again. (laughter)

1122
01:04:21,690 --> 01:04:24,270
Someone or some THING was in here when I came in.

1123
01:04:24,270 --> 01:04:29,090
But where? And if the door was locked, how did it get out?

1124
01:04:29,090 --> 01:04:31,500
[Kevin] It unlocked the door?

1125
01:04:31,500 --> 01:04:34,920
Might have been a ghost, Nora. But what was in here with me was no ghost.

1126
01:04:34,920 --> 01:04:39,290
I don't know. I was so scared. [Bill] I stop knowing things when I get scared.

1127
01:04:39,290 --> 01:04:43,740
(laughter)

1128
01:04:43,740 --> 01:04:47,940
(knocks) [Mike] I'd use a stud finder, but I'm afraid it would just detect me.

1129
01:04:47,940 --> 01:04:53,080
(laughter) (applause)

1130
01:04:53,080 --> 01:05:00,070
[Bill] I'm scared, and I don't know things! (laughter)

1131
01:05:00,070 --> 01:05:03,500
[Mike] It's another room!

1132
01:05:03,500 --> 01:05:07,860
This place is amazing! (laughter) Three, six, nine, twelve.

1133
01:05:07,860 --> 01:05:12,220
[Kevin] Those numbers tell me these rooms are next to each other. [Bill] Lance.

1134
01:05:17,310 --> 01:05:18,920
[Mike] Hey honey? Tilt your head down and run.

1135
01:05:18,920 --> 01:05:23,950
I'm gonna knock on the other wall. When you hear me, you knock on this wall.

1136
01:05:23,950 --> 01:05:28,980
[Bill] Okay, but I'm scared. So I might not remember how to know how to knock!

1137
01:05:28,980 --> 01:05:33,270
(knocks)

1138
01:05:33,270 --> 01:05:35,750
Tap more down. [Mike] Which means you love me. [Bill] What?

1139
01:05:35,750 --> 01:05:40,210
[Mike] Nothing! Just keep tapping! (laughter)

1140
01:05:40,210 --> 01:05:42,790
[Bill] Alice Cooper ladies and gentlemen.

1141
01:05:42,790 --> 01:05:46,770
[Kevin] (screams) Schools! Out! The summer!

1142
01:05:46,770 --> 01:05:50,260
(screaming) [Bill] Alice Cooper. (laughter)

1143
01:05:50,260 --> 01:05:53,450
[Mike] Just some lady trying out her new roller blades.

1144
01:05:53,450 --> 01:05:58,430
(screams) (indistinct)

1145
01:05:58,430 --> 01:06:01,910
[Bill] Sorry, I can't stop to chat. I'm off to old lady roller derby.

1146
01:06:01,910 --> 01:06:06,970
♪♪♪

1147
01:06:06,970 --> 01:06:11,990
♪♪♪ Where did it come from? From in here.

1148
01:06:11,990 --> 01:06:13,460
♪♪♪ [Kevin] And this door leads back into this room.

1149
01:06:13,460 --> 01:06:16,500
It's a miraculous house! (laughter)

1150
01:06:16,500 --> 01:06:19,090
Well, if it ran out of here, I'd have seen it.

1151
01:06:19,090 --> 01:06:22,360
Lance, it doesn't run. It just floats.

1152
01:06:22,360 --> 01:06:26,300
Yeah, but uh. Why didn't I see it?

1153
01:06:26,300 --> 01:06:30,050
♪♪♪ You don't believe me? (laughs) How can I?

1154
01:06:30,050 --> 01:06:33,050
[Mike] I destroyed that part of my brain when I ran into that wall.

1155
01:06:33,050 --> 01:06:38,280
♪♪♪

1156
01:06:38,280 --> 01:06:43,680
[Bill] Aaaaand, it looks as though Lance will not be test piloting her.

1157
01:06:43,680 --> 01:06:45,730
(laughter) Oh I'm sorry.

1158
01:06:45,730 --> 01:06:50,560
♪♪♪

1159
01:06:50,560 --> 01:06:54,810
I'm Annabelle Loren. [Kevin] I'm scared, so I don't know who I am.

1160
01:06:54,810 --> 01:06:57,920
(laughter) You must be Miss Manning?

1161
01:06:57,920 --> 01:07:02,100
I realize this is a very unusual and very dull party.

1162
01:07:02,100 --> 01:07:07,810
Wouldn't you like to freshen up? [Mike] Are you saying I'm not fresh?

1163
01:07:07,810 --> 01:07:14,640
♪♪♪ [Bill] Here's my freshening room, so you can hose off some of that stink!

1164
01:07:14,640 --> 01:07:20,310
This is your room. Depressing, isn't it?

1165
01:07:20,310 --> 01:07:23,980
I doubt if I'll spend much time here. It's going to rain.

1166
01:07:23,980 --> 01:07:27,020
Perfect atmosphere for my husband's party.

1167
01:07:27,020 --> 01:07:29,820
[Kevin] Plus Chuck E Cheese was booked anyway, so.

1168
01:07:29,820 --> 01:07:32,020
Why did you come here?

1169
01:07:32,020 --> 01:07:34,600
He said he'd give me ten thousand dollars.

1170
01:07:34,600 --> 01:07:37,740
Why did he pick you? I don't know.

1171
01:07:37,740 --> 01:07:40,820
My supervisor just came and said I'd been invited.

1172
01:07:40,820 --> 01:07:46,870
[Mike] He said, "Yeaah, I'm gonna go ahead and ask you to go to a party." (applause)

1173
01:07:46,870 --> 01:07:50,710
Thanks, Nora.

1174
01:07:50,710 --> 01:07:55,840
Why you? [Bill] Why not Brent Spiner? Or congressman Barney Frank?

1175
01:07:55,840 --> 01:07:59,460
Or one of the guys from Chumba Wumba? Why you?

1176
01:07:59,460 --> 01:08:03,500
Wander around by yourself? Well, I was in the cellar with Lance.

1177
01:08:03,500 --> 01:08:07,560
Mr. Schroder. I just left, that's all.

1178
01:08:07,560 --> 01:08:11,250
[Kevin] So you're really unfresh! (audience groans)

1179
01:08:11,250 --> 01:08:12,960
Don't do it again.

1180
01:08:12,960 --> 01:08:14,550
Don't go anywhere in this house by yourself.

1181
01:08:14,550 --> 01:08:17,640
[Mike] Not even in the? [Bill] Not even the can, no.

1182
01:08:17,640 --> 01:08:22,890
You're in danger. We all are.

1183
01:08:22,890 --> 01:08:28,460
But who? I hope for your sake, you never find out.

1184
01:08:28,460 --> 01:08:32,600
[Kevin] Better start freshening. You smell like a goat!

1185
01:08:32,600 --> 01:08:38,550
♪♪♪ [Bill] Freshening jokes are over, ladies and gentlemen.

1186
01:08:38,550 --> 01:08:44,840
[Mike] Llaaaa Laaaaaaadies? (applause)

1187
01:08:44,840 --> 01:08:47,330
(applause) (cheering)

1188
01:08:47,330 --> 01:08:50,100
(indistinct)

1189
01:08:50,100 --> 01:08:56,470
Just a bump on the head. [Bill] I always injure myself when I'm alone.

1190
01:08:56,470 --> 01:09:02,170
(laughter) I believe this is it. Thank you, Mrs. Loren.

1191
01:09:02,170 --> 01:09:04,280
Annabelle Lance.

1192
01:09:04,280 --> 01:09:10,680
[Kevin] Whoa! Flaps up! Engines to full. Afterburners on.

1193
01:09:10,680 --> 01:09:14,390
[Mike] Yeah. He'd Chuck her Yeager any day.

1194
01:09:14,390 --> 01:09:17,660
[Bill] Mmm hmm. Whatever that means.

1195
01:09:17,660 --> 01:09:20,550
Why was she so upset? Was she?

1196
01:09:20,550 --> 01:09:23,210
And you don't look like the type to run around bumping his head.

1197
01:09:23,210 --> 01:09:25,500
What really happened, Lance?

1198
01:09:25,500 --> 01:09:29,340
Well, Nora thought she saw a ghost. But I didn't see anything.

1199
01:09:29,340 --> 01:09:33,690
She was just frightened then? And mad at me. I think I kidded her about it.

1200
01:09:33,690 --> 01:09:38,180
[Bill] Splashed a little acid on her neck. I was just kidding around.

1201
01:09:38,180 --> 01:09:41,020
Now don't tell me you're taking all this seriously?

1202
01:09:41,020 --> 01:09:44,260
[Kevin] My lady mullet never jokes. (laughter)

1203
01:09:44,260 --> 01:09:46,990
Find out what hit me.

1204
01:09:46,990 --> 01:09:51,240
Lance? [Mike] May I see your lance? (audience groans)

1205
01:09:51,240 --> 01:09:52,960
I need help. May I count on you?

1206
01:09:52,960 --> 01:09:56,010
Yeah sure, I guess so.

1207
01:09:56,010 --> 01:09:59,480
[Kevin] With the boobs and the shiny and the oh boy! (laughter)

1208
01:09:59,480 --> 01:10:01,780
Look, what's going on here anyway? I mean what is with this party?

1209
01:10:01,780 --> 01:10:04,160
This is no party. He's planning something.

1210
01:10:04,160 --> 01:10:07,130
Your husband? I wish I knew what it was.

1211
01:10:07,130 --> 01:10:10,700
[Bill] I wouldn't have dressed as Prince! (laughter)

1212
01:10:10,700 --> 01:10:14,370
Money doesn't mean anything. He has a reason for getting us

1213
01:10:14,370 --> 01:10:16,670
all up here to this dreadful old house.

1214
01:10:16,670 --> 01:10:18,990
What for? He doesn't even know us?

1215
01:10:18,990 --> 01:10:21,320
Maybe that's exactly why you're here.

1216
01:10:21,320 --> 01:10:24,810
[Mike] Making new friends was his new year's resolution. [Bill] Awww.

1217
01:10:24,810 --> 01:10:27,920
Oh he thinks that big money like his can get away with anything.

1218
01:10:27,920 --> 01:10:31,950
You know, of course, that I'm his 4th wife. [Kevin] And the third hottest.

1219
01:10:31,950 --> 01:10:36,380
First one had disappeared, the other two died.

1220
01:10:36,380 --> 01:10:39,180
Lance? I don't want to join them.

1221
01:10:39,180 --> 01:10:42,120
[Kevin] So could you marry my husband? (laughter)

1222
01:10:42,120 --> 01:10:46,180
You mean he? Doctors said they'd died of heart attacks.

1223
01:10:46,180 --> 01:10:51,030
Two girls in their twenties. [Mike] Four hundred pounds a piece.

1224
01:10:51,030 --> 01:10:56,430
(laughter) [Bill] I see that.

1225
01:10:56,430 --> 01:11:04,270
Please be careful. Would he hurt you? He would kill me if he could.

1226
01:11:04,270 --> 01:11:09,950
[Bill] Specially after he tasted my meatloaf! Ah ha ha! (Kevin humming)

1227
01:11:09,950 --> 01:11:15,410
[Bill] We'll never do that again. Hitchcock! Run!

1228
01:11:15,410 --> 01:11:23,710
(Kevin humming)

1229
01:11:23,710 --> 01:11:26,350
♪♪♪ [Mike] Two thousand, two hundred ninety eight,

1230
01:11:26,350 --> 01:11:27,880
two thousand two hundred ninety nine.

1231
01:11:27,880 --> 01:11:29,770
Missing all the fun.

1232
01:11:29,770 --> 01:11:32,360
You know, Nora Manning was almost killed by a falling chandelier,

1233
01:11:32,360 --> 01:11:35,750
and the pilot bashed his head in. Is he badly hurt?

1234
01:11:35,750 --> 01:11:38,630
The saturnine psychiatrist bandaged him up.

1235
01:11:38,630 --> 01:11:40,930
Don't you want to go and console him?

1236
01:11:40,930 --> 01:11:44,190
Like you do most men? In your fashion?

1237
01:11:44,190 --> 01:11:47,530
[Kevin] You gonna eat this nit? (laughter)

1238
01:11:47,530 --> 01:11:50,640
And I lie awake nights, wondering why I married you.

1239
01:11:50,640 --> 01:11:54,480
Was rather a mistake. You didn't marry me, dear. I married you.

1240
01:11:54,480 --> 01:11:56,880
Unpleasant, but no mistake.

1241
01:11:56,880 --> 01:11:59,520
[Mike] Well, I'm gonna go frost the cupcakes. (laughter)

1242
01:11:59,520 --> 01:12:02,640
For the last time, I'm not going to your party. ♪♪♪

1243
01:12:02,640 --> 01:12:06,150
And for the last time, it's not my party, but yours.

1244
01:12:06,150 --> 01:12:09,640
[Kevin] The "whose party is it?" issue was HUGE in their marriage.

1245
01:12:09,640 --> 01:12:13,990
I am not. Ready dear? No.

1246
01:12:13,990 --> 01:12:16,010
Are you ready dear?

1247
01:12:16,010 --> 01:12:18,970
Yes. Damn you!

1248
01:12:18,970 --> 01:12:21,570
But you adore me as much as will prove.

1249
01:12:21,570 --> 01:12:25,030
All you want to be is a lovely widow.

1250
01:12:25,030 --> 01:12:29,310
[Bill] Ike and Tina:The white years! (laughter)

1251
01:12:29,310 --> 01:12:31,690
(laughter)

1252
01:12:31,690 --> 01:12:36,430
I wonder how it will end?

1253
01:12:36,430 --> 01:12:44,640
[Kevin] Well. Pizza rolls ain't gonna toaster oven themselves!

1254
01:12:44,640 --> 01:12:48,250
[Mike] Gotta remember to give Pete Campbell his suit back.

1255
01:12:48,250 --> 01:12:52,150
(laughter)

1256
01:12:52,150 --> 01:12:55,540
(knock on door) [Bill] Crrreeeeeeepy guy!

1257
01:12:55,540 --> 01:12:59,540
Close to midnight, Lance. Okay. I'll be down in a minute.

1258
01:12:59,540 --> 01:13:01,890
[Mike] Hmm. It's close to midnight huh?

1259
01:13:01,890 --> 01:13:03,650
(singing Michael Jackson's Thriller) It's close to midnight!

1260
01:13:03,650 --> 01:13:07,440
(guys humming)

1261
01:13:07,440 --> 01:13:12,090
Your host, my dear. It's almost midnight, Nora.

1262
01:13:12,090 --> 01:13:14,610
We're all going to get together down in the living room.

1263
01:13:14,610 --> 01:13:17,300
All right Mr. Loren. I'll be right there.

1264
01:13:17,300 --> 01:13:18,620
[Bill] He warned me only an 1/8 of the

1265
01:13:18,620 --> 01:13:26,610
way through my freshening process. (laughter)

1266
01:13:26,610 --> 01:13:33,990
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Oh! They murdered Charlie McCarthy! [Bill] Bastards!

1267
01:13:33,990 --> 01:13:40,240
(screams) [Mike] Is she scared? Or is she turning into Monica Seles? (laughter)

1268
01:13:40,240 --> 01:13:49,410
♪♪♪ [Bill] Get the cat off the piano. (laughter)

1269
01:13:49,410 --> 01:13:52,440
♪♪♪ [Mike] Mr. Whiskers! Dammit!

1270
01:13:52,440 --> 01:13:57,950
[Bill] Get off.

1271
01:13:57,950 --> 01:14:02,510
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Would someone put him in his pet carrier, please!

1272
01:14:02,510 --> 01:14:05,470
(laughter) [Bill] Filming a scene here.

1273
01:14:05,470 --> 01:14:08,550
♪♪♪

1274
01:14:08,550 --> 01:14:11,130
[Bill] Now he's on the vibes. Come on! [Kevin] Mr. Whiskers!

1275
01:14:11,130 --> 01:14:13,820
[Bill] Someone get him!

1276
01:14:13,820 --> 01:14:19,780
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Hey! Ben Roethlesberger. (laughter) (screaming)

1277
01:14:19,780 --> 01:14:25,150
[Mike] Watch! Oh, maybe that's why I got fired from my job as a Walmart greeter.

1278
01:14:25,150 --> 01:14:28,920
(laughter)

1279
01:14:28,920 --> 01:14:32,780
[Bill] So anyway. That's my favorite brand of rice. Am I boring you?

1280
01:14:32,780 --> 01:14:35,350
What's the matter? ♪♪♪

1281
01:14:37,980 --> 01:14:43,530
Don't want to stay here! Nora, what happened?

1282
01:14:43,530 --> 01:14:51,680
[Kevin] I just ran a blacklight over the comforter! Oh! (laughter)

1283
01:14:51,680 --> 01:14:56,980
♪♪♪ [Mike] Paul McCartney and Rhea Perlman. (laughter)

1284
01:14:56,980 --> 01:14:58,720
[Bill] Nice to see them together.

1285
01:14:58,720 --> 01:15:02,510
They've been caretakers here for years. She's blind, you know?

1286
01:15:02,510 --> 01:15:04,200
I'm not going to stay here!

1287
01:15:04,200 --> 01:15:07,530
[Kevin] I don't trust blind people who aren't gifted black musicians!

1288
01:15:07,530 --> 01:15:10,490
(audience groans)

1289
01:15:10,490 --> 01:15:12,410
Doctor, looks like we have a real case of hysteria, here on our hands.

1290
01:15:12,410 --> 01:15:14,510
I think she's just a little upset. Not hysterical.

1291
01:15:14,510 --> 01:15:19,300
[Bill] I refuse to move my arms, by the way. (laughter)

1292
01:15:19,300 --> 01:15:25,110
[Mike] Yes. I'm wearing the table cloth. (laughter)

1293
01:15:25,110 --> 01:15:30,220
Hello, my dear. This is my wife.

1294
01:15:30,220 --> 01:15:34,130
These are our guests. [Bill] And this is your party! Ruth Bridges,

1295
01:15:34,130 --> 01:15:37,170
Dr. Trent. You know Watson Pritchard, of course.

1296
01:15:37,170 --> 01:15:40,810
Nora Manning, and this is Lance Schroeder.

1297
01:15:40,810 --> 01:15:45,450
[Kevin] The human head injury! (Bill laughs)

1298
01:15:45,450 --> 01:15:50,230
[Mike] If you don't need us, we have a swingers party to get to. (laughter)

1299
01:15:50,230 --> 01:15:53,150
(applause) He wants to kill me!

1300
01:15:53,150 --> 01:15:56,470
Who wants to kill you? Mr. Loren!

1301
01:15:56,470 --> 01:15:58,000
[Kevin] But why would he kill you at his own party?

1302
01:15:58,000 --> 01:16:00,770
[Bill] It's my wife's party! (laughter)

1303
01:16:00,770 --> 01:16:03,620
I think you all remember the bargain we made about staying all night?

1304
01:16:03,620 --> 01:16:06,580
Ten thousand dollars a piece.

1305
01:16:06,580 --> 01:16:10,000
If any of you don't survive, fifty thousand dollars

1306
01:16:10,000 --> 01:16:12,350
will be divided among the rest of you.

1307
01:16:12,350 --> 01:16:13,870
If I should die,

1308
01:16:13,870 --> 01:16:17,030
[Mike] Please save my mustache for 40 years and then give it to Bob Dylan.

1309
01:16:17,030 --> 01:16:19,280
(laughter)

1310
01:16:19,280 --> 01:16:21,130
You will be paid by my estate.

1311
01:16:21,130 --> 01:16:23,530
When the door is locked from he outside by the caretakers,

1312
01:16:23,530 --> 01:16:26,430
we'll all be forced to stay in this house until morning.

1313
01:16:26,430 --> 01:16:29,930
If any of you decide not to stay, you must leave with the caretakers now.

1314
01:16:29,930 --> 01:16:32,720
You won't have a chance to change your minds later.

1315
01:16:32,720 --> 01:16:36,330
Because there'll be no way to get out.

1316
01:16:36,330 --> 01:16:38,660
I don't want to stay! Wait! (chandelier shakes)

1317
01:16:38,660 --> 01:16:40,540
[Kevin] It's a ghost! (Bill and Mike) Ahhhh!!!

1318
01:16:40,540 --> 01:16:42,340
[Kevin] Oh but it's Casper the Friendly Ghost. [Bill] Ah.

1319
01:16:42,340 --> 01:16:43,940
[Kevin] But sometimes, he gets a little too clingy,

1320
01:16:43,940 --> 01:16:45,410
like he doesn't have any other friends.

1321
01:16:45,410 --> 01:16:48,070
(Bill and Mike) Ahhh! [Kevin] I mean he's nice. (Bill and Mike) Oh.

1322
01:16:48,070 --> 01:16:49,650
[Kevin] But the other day he asked me to help him move!

1323
01:16:49,650 --> 01:16:55,920
(Bill and Mike) Ahhh! [Kevin] Yeah. Horrible. [Bill] Terrifying.

1324
01:16:55,920 --> 01:17:00,930
[Mike] Dammit! My He Man sleeping bag was still in the car.

1325
01:17:00,930 --> 01:17:04,190
It isn't midnight yet. Who told them they could leave?

1326
01:17:04,190 --> 01:17:06,720
They never leave before midnight. Well, they've gone now.

1327
01:17:06,720 --> 01:17:09,770
[Bill] Speaking of. How did that lady float in the earlier scene?

1328
01:17:09,770 --> 01:17:11,360
[Kevin] Well you know how blind people's senses

1329
01:17:11,360 --> 01:17:13,740
sharpen to compensate for the lack of sight?

1330
01:17:13,740 --> 01:17:16,630
She grew wheels. (audience groans)

1331
01:17:16,630 --> 01:17:18,860
[Bill] Blind people are cool. [Kevin] Yeah.

1332
01:17:18,860 --> 01:17:21,870
I'm sorry my dear. But it's too late now.

1333
01:17:21,870 --> 01:17:25,230
Darling? Haven't you had enough of this silly game?

1334
01:17:25,230 --> 01:17:28,380
Get some cars up here for these people, and let them go home.

1335
01:17:28,380 --> 01:17:32,620
But pay them first. [Mike] My beloved cadaver. I mean husband.

1336
01:17:32,620 --> 01:17:35,190
This is your party. Remember?

1337
01:17:35,190 --> 01:17:38,230
[Bill] I think we left that a gray area, actually. (laughter)

1338
01:17:38,230 --> 01:17:40,840
My wife's faith in my ability to do the impossible.

1339
01:17:40,840 --> 01:17:45,230
We will all have to stay in this house, until eight o'clock in the morning.

1340
01:17:45,230 --> 01:17:51,150
But, we have some party favors for you, in these these little coffins.

1341
01:17:51,150 --> 01:17:53,190
[Kevin] These were prototypes for Al Pacino.

1342
01:17:53,190 --> 01:17:54,590
(laughter)

1343
01:17:54,590 --> 01:17:56,190
[Bill] (Al Pacino voice) This is a GREAT coffin! [Kevin] Oh yeah!

1344
01:17:56,190 --> 01:17:59,550
[Mike] Boo yah! Lot of room!

1345
01:17:59,550 --> 01:18:01,410
I think it's rather dangerous.

1346
01:18:01,410 --> 01:18:03,140
I suppose you all know how to use one of these things.

1347
01:18:03,140 --> 01:18:06,820
But in case you don't, you just press down on this lever,

1348
01:18:06,820 --> 01:18:09,710
with your thumb, and then pull the trigger.

1349
01:18:09,710 --> 01:18:15,150
(crashing) [Bill] Sorry about the hearing, darling. (laughter)

1350
01:18:15,150 --> 01:18:19,990
These are no good against the dead. Only the living.

1351
01:18:19,990 --> 01:18:23,070
[Kevin] Whatever. Go and set up the Scattergories game, will you?

1352
01:18:23,070 --> 01:18:26,440
Doctor?

1353
01:18:26,440 --> 01:18:30,860
Lance. [Mike] Try not to shoot your own forehead, huh champ? (laughter)

1354
01:18:30,860 --> 01:18:35,110
Nora? Go ahead, take it.

1355
01:18:35,110 --> 01:18:37,760
[Bill] By the way, I found a bloody head in my suitcase.

1356
01:18:37,760 --> 01:18:42,970
Ah, it's probably nothing! (laughter)

1357
01:18:42,970 --> 01:18:46,580
[Mike] From Smith and Wesson's, old bat line of pistols. (laughter)

1358
01:18:46,580 --> 01:18:50,070
It's yours dear. I don't need it. It was your idea.

1359
01:18:50,070 --> 01:18:53,840
Who knows? You might want to use it on me before this night is over?

1360
01:18:53,840 --> 01:18:57,710
[Bill] Or sit in your underwear, and shoot out the TV like Elvis.

1361
01:18:57,710 --> 01:19:01,460
Her options. Any good. I agree with Pritchard on that point.

1362
01:19:01,460 --> 01:19:04,680
Although not for the same reasons. Dr. Trent?

1363
01:19:04,680 --> 01:19:07,280
[Kevin] May I call you council of?

1364
01:19:07,280 --> 01:19:11,200
Little medieval humor there. Don't you approve of our little party favors?

1365
01:19:11,200 --> 01:19:14,270
[Bill] They're our favors, though. It's my husband's party

1366
01:19:14,270 --> 01:19:16,570
Mistook the blind woman for a ghost.

1367
01:19:16,570 --> 01:19:20,190
I don't think anyone else is gonna walk around in total darkness.

1368
01:19:20,190 --> 01:19:23,610
Oh I'm sure we're not going to go running around the house,

1369
01:19:23,610 --> 01:19:25,600
shooting each other, aren't you?

1370
01:19:25,600 --> 01:19:29,050
Who knows? Fear makes people do amazing things.

1371
01:19:29,050 --> 01:19:31,050
[Mike] Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel

1372
01:19:31,050 --> 01:19:34,620
because of his crippling fear of spiders.

1373
01:19:34,620 --> 01:19:36,450
Mr. Pritchard?

1374
01:19:36,450 --> 01:19:39,490
You said your sister in law killed a man and a woman here, and cut them up?

1375
01:19:39,490 --> 01:19:42,610
You said they found hands and feet.

1376
01:19:42,610 --> 01:19:44,620
But they never found any heads?

1377
01:19:44,620 --> 01:19:47,360
Would you like to see one of those heads? [Bill] YEAH!

1378
01:19:47,360 --> 01:19:49,190
[Kevin] Yeah! [Mike] Heads! Heads!

1379
01:19:49,190 --> 01:19:54,480
(all guys) Heads! Heads! Heads! Heads! Heads! Heads! (audience joins in)

1380
01:19:54,480 --> 01:20:00,670
[Bill] Heeeaaaad!

1381
01:20:00,670 --> 01:20:03,600
Darling? I really don't need this.

1382
01:20:03,600 --> 01:20:10,980
[Kevin] I've got a bazooka in my clutch purse. (laughter)

1383
01:20:10,980 --> 01:20:15,050
♪♪♪ [Mike] So young. He had so many 7-11 clerks to pistol whip. (laughter)

1384
01:20:15,050 --> 01:20:17,920
[Kevin] Poor guy.

1385
01:20:17,920 --> 01:20:21,280
[Bill] Shame, really. Just go look in my suitcase.

1386
01:20:21,280 --> 01:20:23,930
(all guys) Heads! Heads! Heads! Heads!

1387
01:20:23,930 --> 01:20:25,860
Heads! Heads!

1388
01:20:25,860 --> 01:20:28,930
[Bill] We want heads! We want heads!

1389
01:20:28,930 --> 01:20:32,160
[Kevin] Awww! It's just frilly underwear! (Mike and Bill) Boooooo!!!

1390
01:20:32,160 --> 01:20:35,090
(laughter)

1391
01:20:35,090 --> 01:20:41,570
But it was in there. A woman's head! Nora. I think you are a little upset.

1392
01:20:41,570 --> 01:20:45,980
Would you care for a sedative? (laughter) Get out! Get out!

1393
01:20:45,980 --> 01:20:48,770
(laughter) [Bill] A "siditive"? (screaming)

1394
01:20:48,770 --> 01:20:51,120
Get out of here! Leave me alone! Just get out of here!

1395
01:20:51,120 --> 01:20:55,180
[Mike] That's how I get rid of Jehovah's witnesses.

1396
01:20:55,180 --> 01:20:58,140
(laughter) (applause)

1397
01:20:58,140 --> 01:21:01,360
I wish she'd taken the sedative. [Kevin] Yeah, we know! Sedative.

1398
01:21:01,360 --> 01:21:03,590
[Bill] Siditive. Siditive. They're closing in on her.

1399
01:21:03,590 --> 01:21:05,470
Look, doc. I think somebody ought to stay with her.

1400
01:21:05,470 --> 01:21:09,550
Could be a million people around her. If they wanted her, they'd get her.

1401
01:21:09,550 --> 01:21:15,790
[Bill] All right. I've gotta go call the Art Bell show. (laughter)

1402
01:21:15,790 --> 01:21:20,930
I'll join you in a minute.

1403
01:21:20,930 --> 01:21:24,690
[Kevin] Hey babe! I've got a case of Ensure in my room!

1404
01:21:24,690 --> 01:21:31,040
Oh yeah. (laughter) And do you think there really WAS a head in her suitcase?

1405
01:21:31,040 --> 01:21:34,030
[Bill] Not a week goes by when I'm not asked that very same question!

1406
01:21:34,030 --> 01:21:36,130
Put me right over the edge.

1407
01:21:36,130 --> 01:21:39,820
Look, would you? Sort of stay up here? I mean in case she needs help?

1408
01:21:39,820 --> 01:21:43,160
[Kevin] (distant voice) We'll be back here if you need us! (laughter)

1409
01:21:43,160 --> 01:21:48,140
Looking at you! [Bill] Hum de dum de dum!

1410
01:21:48,140 --> 01:21:52,750
[Mike] Hey! Hey Lance? We were thinking of getting a game of Twister going.

1411
01:21:52,750 --> 01:21:58,580
Are you interested? Lance? You? [Bill] F you!

1412
01:21:58,580 --> 01:22:02,070
(laughter) Positive. Except for the ghosts.

1413
01:22:02,070 --> 01:22:06,210
I don't believe in ghosts. Nor in frightening women.

1414
01:22:06,210 --> 01:22:10,090
[Kevin] But I do believe in siditives. (laughter) [Bill] Ssss Siditives.

1415
01:22:10,090 --> 01:22:11,820
In Nora's case it's gone far enough. Perhaps too far.

1416
01:22:11,820 --> 01:22:15,270
What do you suggest we do about it, doctor? Don't frighten her anymore.

1417
01:22:15,270 --> 01:22:17,510
[Bill] Or I'll stand near you and talk about things.

1418
01:22:17,510 --> 01:22:21,710
You wouldn't like that, would you?

1419
01:22:21,710 --> 01:22:28,470
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Meanwhile, in ancient Sumaria. (laughter) ♪♪♪

1420
01:22:28,470 --> 01:22:32,500
♪♪♪ [Mike] There's GOT to be a way I can sustain a head wound in this room.

1421
01:22:32,500 --> 01:22:36,120
Heeeelllo! Is that a door knob I see?

1422
01:22:36,120 --> 01:22:40,140
(laughter) (applause) (knocks on door)

1423
01:22:40,140 --> 01:22:44,300
Nora? [Bill] Nora Jones. Nora?

1424
01:22:44,300 --> 01:22:48,710
[Bill] Nora Jones! I can't sleep! Will you sing me one of your incredibly bland songs?

1425
01:22:48,710 --> 01:22:55,680
[Bill] Or sling it. Nora? [Kevin] How do you unwrap the soap?

1426
01:22:55,680 --> 01:23:02,850
(laughter)

1427
01:23:02,850 --> 01:23:06,470
♪♪♪ [Mike] Yeah. Look what you pulled out of her sink.

1428
01:23:06,470 --> 01:23:08,410
[Kevin] Ugh!

1429
01:23:08,410 --> 01:23:12,280
[Bill] Oh Cousin It! Cousin It! Why? You had so much to live for!

1430
01:23:12,280 --> 01:23:17,390
Maybe not. You were kind of a freak. Well, you made the right choice, actually.

1431
01:23:17,390 --> 01:23:20,510
♪♪♪ [Kevin] I swear, you'd lose your head if it wasn't connected.

1432
01:23:20,510 --> 01:23:25,610
[Bill] Kevin, Kevin, Kevin! [Kevin] Sorry. ♪♪♪

1433
01:23:25,610 --> 01:23:30,140
♪♪♪ [Mike] Patti Smith. (laughter)

1434
01:23:30,140 --> 01:23:34,470
[Bill] They're after me Lucky Charms, aren't you?

1435
01:23:34,470 --> 01:23:37,290
(laughter) (applause)

1436
01:23:37,290 --> 01:23:39,540
In a little while, she'll be one of them.

1437
01:23:39,540 --> 01:23:43,660
Where's Nora?! [Kevin] May I offer you a knife?

1438
01:23:43,660 --> 01:23:46,450
Where is she? It's too late. It's too late.

1439
01:23:46,450 --> 01:23:48,200
You'll never find her again.

1440
01:23:48,200 --> 01:23:50,490
Pritchard, if you know where she is, you'd better tell me now!

1441
01:23:50,490 --> 01:23:54,660
She's gone! She's gone with them. And there's nothing you can do about it.

1442
01:23:54,660 --> 01:23:58,800
(screaming) [Bill] (laughs) Someone just discovered the milk had gone bad.

1443
01:23:58,800 --> 01:24:02,330
[Kevin] Ugh!

1444
01:24:02,330 --> 01:24:06,300
[Mike] See? She'll do anything to not go out with him.

1445
01:24:06,300 --> 01:24:10,000
♪♪♪

1446
01:24:10,000 --> 01:24:14,220
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Oh my.

1447
01:24:14,220 --> 01:24:18,300
Hey! Could you get my suction cup dart while you're up there?

1448
01:24:18,300 --> 01:24:20,030
Take her down.

1449
01:24:20,030 --> 01:24:22,730
[Bill] I really wasn't planning on doing any WORK while I was here.

1450
01:24:22,730 --> 01:24:28,090
But all right. Geez.

1451
01:24:28,090 --> 01:24:31,990
♪♪♪ [Mike] Uh doc? You don't have to lift her by the breasts. (laughter)

1452
01:24:31,990 --> 01:24:36,760
[Kevin] Watch your hands.

1453
01:24:36,760 --> 01:24:41,090
♪♪♪ Well, I guess she won't need a siditive now.

1454
01:24:41,090 --> 01:24:46,470
[Bill] No siditive, siditive.

1455
01:24:46,470 --> 01:24:50,820
♪♪♪ [Bill] Doc, I'm worried about my prostate. (laughter)

1456
01:24:50,820 --> 01:24:55,250
[Kevin] You sharpied a wang on her forehead???? (laughter)

1457
01:24:55,250 --> 01:24:59,000
[Mike] That was so quick.

1458
01:24:59,000 --> 01:25:05,810
♪♪♪ She's dead, Mr. Loren. Your wife hanged herself.

1459
01:25:05,810 --> 01:25:08,490
Suicide.

1460
01:25:08,490 --> 01:25:11,750
[Kevin] Oh. And uh, I was playing with your snow globe, and I broke it.

1461
01:25:11,750 --> 01:25:14,560
I'm sorry. (laughter)

1462
01:25:14,560 --> 01:25:16,600
[Bill] Lance goes to retrieve the naughty, shockingly

1463
01:25:16,600 --> 01:25:24,130
misspelled note he slipped under her door. (laughter)

1464
01:25:24,130 --> 01:25:27,450
[Mike] A puppet show is about to start!

1465
01:25:27,450 --> 01:25:32,610
I believe I will attend! (laughter)

1466
01:25:32,610 --> 01:25:36,610
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Bam! Lamp the forehead! Bam! Chair leg to the knee!

1467
01:25:36,610 --> 01:25:38,480
Bam! He steps on a rake!

1468
01:25:38,480 --> 01:25:40,190
[Bill] Whooo.

1469
01:25:40,190 --> 01:25:42,980
Hide me! Please! Hide me! What's the matter? Hide me!

1470
01:25:42,980 --> 01:25:45,010
[Mike] That's a terrible Peter Lorre impression.

1471
01:25:45,010 --> 01:25:48,370
(laughter) [Bill] Rick! Hide me, Rick!

1472
01:25:48,370 --> 01:25:52,020
♪♪♪

1473
01:25:52,020 --> 01:25:55,610
He tried to kill me! [Kevin] Did it work? (laughter)

1474
01:25:55,610 --> 01:25:58,550
[Bill] Lance, you dope! In that room.

1475
01:25:58,550 --> 01:26:00,970
And then he went away and left me.

1476
01:26:00,970 --> 01:26:05,000
Who? He thought I was dead. Who?

1477
01:26:05,000 --> 01:26:08,770
[Bill] What are you? An owl? Let me finish my story! (laughter)

1478
01:26:08,770 --> 01:26:12,090
Are you sure about this?

1479
01:26:12,090 --> 01:26:15,720
I don't know. It was dark, but it must have been him.

1480
01:26:15,720 --> 01:26:17,200
[Kevin] "Must have been him"?

1481
01:26:17,200 --> 01:26:19,370
Probably won't hold up in courts.

1482
01:26:19,370 --> 01:26:21,450
Have you seen him since he left you?

1483
01:26:21,450 --> 01:26:24,930
I heard some people in that room. But I went by and nobody saw me.

1484
01:26:24,930 --> 01:26:27,830
♪♪♪ Mrs. Loren is dead.

1485
01:26:27,830 --> 01:26:31,150
♪♪♪ But how?

1486
01:26:31,150 --> 01:26:34,940
[Mike] Well, she was hanging herself, and something went horribly wrong!

1487
01:26:34,940 --> 01:26:37,810
(laughter) Committed suicide.

1488
01:26:37,810 --> 01:26:40,750
But I think somebody killed her. Him?

1489
01:26:40,750 --> 01:26:44,880
[Bill] Look, I don't know. I'm late for a puppet show, okay? (laughter)

1490
01:26:44,880 --> 01:26:47,160
♪♪♪

1491
01:26:47,160 --> 01:26:53,840
♪♪♪

1492
01:26:53,840 --> 01:26:55,280
(knock on door)

1493
01:26:55,280 --> 01:27:00,370
[Kevin] Housekeeping and strangulation, ma'am.

1494
01:27:00,370 --> 01:27:02,110
♪♪♪ [Mike] Lance wants to bring her along, as a human

1495
01:27:02,110 --> 01:27:06,960
shield, but he doesn't know how to ask her.

1496
01:27:06,960 --> 01:27:10,220
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Let's see. One attempted murder, one suspicious suicide.

1497
01:27:10,220 --> 01:27:14,920
Should I get my gun? Naaw, it's back in my room. It's too far to walk.

1498
01:27:14,920 --> 01:27:17,490
♪♪♪

1499
01:27:17,490 --> 01:27:22,030
I'm sure you've come to the same conclusion I have? Yeah, I think so.

1500
01:27:22,030 --> 01:27:25,920
Let's all have a meeting, discuss what to do. The living room?

1501
01:27:25,920 --> 01:27:28,700
Okay. In a minute.

1502
01:27:28,700 --> 01:27:30,610
[Bill] I assume the conclusion he came to is that

1503
01:27:30,610 --> 01:27:34,400
we should all dress up as longshoremen, and sing Annie Get Your Gun, right?

1504
01:27:34,400 --> 01:27:38,070
Assume that is what we all thought. Just gonna go with that.

1505
01:27:38,070 --> 01:27:40,850
(closes door)

1506
01:27:40,850 --> 01:27:43,700
I've gotta go downstairs.

1507
01:27:43,700 --> 01:27:46,930
Now you lock yourself in here, and don't let anybody know you're here.

1508
01:27:46,930 --> 01:27:50,930
He thinks you're dead, he won't come here. And I'll get back as soon as I can.

1509
01:27:50,930 --> 01:27:53,620
You'll be all right.

1510
01:27:53,620 --> 01:27:58,230
[Mike] Or my name isn't Lanservious Zechariah Schroeder the third.

1511
01:27:58,230 --> 01:28:01,070
If you have to, you use it.

1512
01:28:01,070 --> 01:28:02,940
[Bill] Your Snuggy, I mean.

1513
01:28:02,940 --> 01:28:06,590
Staying warm is important, and blankets are just so damn difficult!

1514
01:28:06,590 --> 01:28:10,290
(laughter)

1515
01:28:10,290 --> 01:28:14,150
[Kevin] Who loves ya, baby? (laughter) (applause)

1516
01:28:14,150 --> 01:28:16,100
[Kevin] Oh believe me. It'll be cool in 20 years!

1517
01:28:16,100 --> 01:28:19,160
I promise. ♪♪♪

1518
01:28:19,160 --> 01:28:20,300
[Mike] Good.

1519
01:28:20,300 --> 01:28:25,130
No one discovered I'm watching The Hills in here. (laughter)

1520
01:28:25,130 --> 01:28:28,400
♪♪♪ [Bill] I try to act as nonchalant when

1521
01:28:28,400 --> 01:28:34,270
I'm stealing room service leftovers from the suite across the hall.

1522
01:28:34,270 --> 01:28:36,160
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Man, I haven't seen this much sneaking between rooms

1523
01:28:36,160 --> 01:28:39,500
since I chaperoned a high school youth group. (laughter)

1524
01:28:39,500 --> 01:28:42,030
(applause) Ya'll know!

1525
01:28:42,030 --> 01:28:46,170
♪♪♪

1526
01:28:46,170 --> 01:28:52,240
♪♪♪

1527
01:28:52,240 --> 01:28:56,860
♪♪♪ So beautiful. [Mike] Heidi Klum.

1528
01:28:56,860 --> 01:29:00,720
So greedy. [Mike] Bernie Madoff, that is.

1529
01:29:00,720 --> 01:29:03,250
(laughter) (indistinct)

1530
01:29:03,250 --> 01:29:06,560
[Mike] Chunky monkey. Anyway, how are you dear?

1531
01:29:06,560 --> 01:29:09,860
♪♪♪ [Bill] Begorrah! Me gold! (laughter)

1532
01:29:09,860 --> 01:29:12,290
Don't we? What do you mean, coming in here?

1533
01:29:12,290 --> 01:29:15,030
I didn't want them to take her away!

1534
01:29:15,030 --> 01:29:16,840
You're drunk! They will if they.

1535
01:29:16,840 --> 01:29:19,680
You're drunk! All right, out with it, Pritchard. Why did you come into this room?

1536
01:29:19,680 --> 01:29:21,110
I'm the only one who understands.

1537
01:29:21,110 --> 01:29:24,680
Understands what? [Kevin] The movie Inception! (laughter)

1538
01:29:24,680 --> 01:29:27,420
She's already joined them!

1539
01:29:27,420 --> 01:29:30,200
Now Pritchard, I've had enough of your spook talk.

1540
01:29:30,200 --> 01:29:34,520
Get out, you sot and don't come back into this room again!

1541
01:29:34,520 --> 01:29:38,790
[Bill] So I'll be right back? [Mike] Were you listening at all??

1542
01:29:38,790 --> 01:29:41,080
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Well, I'd better start

1543
01:29:41,080 --> 01:29:43,680
dicing ham for tomorrow morning's omelet bar.

1544
01:29:43,680 --> 01:29:48,780
[Bill] Busy man!

1545
01:29:48,780 --> 01:29:51,320
♪♪♪ [Mike] Pritchard? You all right?

1546
01:29:51,320 --> 01:29:59,010
You look like you just saw a talking paper bag! (laughter) (applause)

1547
01:29:59,010 --> 01:30:05,710
[Bill] So, you guys want to do some karaoke? Or? [Kevin] No.

1548
01:30:05,710 --> 01:30:11,660
Where's what's her name? [Mike] Lance? (laughter)

1549
01:30:11,660 --> 01:30:15,360
I didn't disturb her since I don't think this concerns her.

1550
01:30:15,360 --> 01:30:18,820
No, you're right. Mr. Loren?

1551
01:30:18,820 --> 01:30:22,200
[Bill] Have a siditive! Isn't there some way we could get out of this house now?

1552
01:30:22,200 --> 01:30:27,250
No. None at all. We could try breaking out.

1553
01:30:27,250 --> 01:30:30,200
The only door to the outside is made of steel.

1554
01:30:30,200 --> 01:30:33,800
The bars in the windows are set in solid stone.

1555
01:30:33,800 --> 01:30:36,120
We've got to stay.

1556
01:30:36,120 --> 01:30:39,850
[Kevin] Unless one of you is the Kool Aid man. (laughter)

1557
01:30:39,850 --> 01:30:44,730
[Kevin] Oh yeah!!! But I am afraid.

1558
01:30:44,730 --> 01:30:48,290
When we came here a few hours ago, the only thing

1559
01:30:48,290 --> 01:30:50,730
we had in common was the ten thousand dollars we'd get.

1560
01:30:50,730 --> 01:30:53,000
Now, however, we share something else.

1561
01:30:53,000 --> 01:30:57,380
[Kevin] You're all about to see me naked. (laughter)

1562
01:30:57,380 --> 01:31:02,220
So far tonight, one of us was almost killed by a falling chandelier.

1563
01:31:02,220 --> 01:31:05,880
One of us was mysteriously slugged.

1564
01:31:05,880 --> 01:31:10,000
One of us has been driven to the brink of absolute hysteria.

1565
01:31:10,000 --> 01:31:16,370
[Bill] That's me. Yep. One of us is dead. Were these accidents?

1566
01:31:16,370 --> 01:31:20,540
Suicide? [Mike] Giant horn, everyone! (laughter)

1567
01:31:20,540 --> 01:31:24,570
(all guys) Giant horn! (applause)

1568
01:31:24,570 --> 01:31:28,570
I don't know. Who will be next?

1569
01:31:28,570 --> 01:31:31,770
[Kevin] I will! Oh, wait. How will it happen?

1570
01:31:31,770 --> 01:31:35,440
Let me ask you a question, doctor. [Bill] I miss giant horn. (Mike laughs)

1571
01:31:35,440 --> 01:31:38,000
You were the first one to see my wife dead.

1572
01:31:38,000 --> 01:31:42,020
Did you also see anything that she could have climbed up on, and then jumped?

1573
01:31:42,020 --> 01:31:44,960
No. Did any of you?

1574
01:31:44,960 --> 01:31:49,000
[Mike] Clint Howard? David Bowie? (laughter)

1575
01:31:49,000 --> 01:31:54,680
How then did she get herself...so high?

1576
01:31:54,680 --> 01:31:56,750
Exactly, Mr. Loren. How?

1577
01:31:56,750 --> 01:31:58,350
She couldn't have pulled herself up there?

1578
01:31:58,350 --> 01:32:00,670
She couldn't have dropped from the ceiling.

1579
01:32:00,670 --> 01:32:03,400
Do you think your wife killed herself?

1580
01:32:03,400 --> 01:32:09,810
No. No. She was murdered. By one of you.

1581
01:32:09,810 --> 01:32:12,740
(Kevin gasps) (Bill gasps)

1582
01:32:12,740 --> 01:32:17,100
(Mike gasps then coughs) [Bill] Scotch and cigarettes.

1583
01:32:17,100 --> 01:32:20,900
[Mike] Scotch! To deliberately kill someone, you must have a reason.

1584
01:32:20,900 --> 01:32:26,010
We were all strangers to your wife. Only you had a motive for murder.

1585
01:32:26,010 --> 01:32:29,580
What husband hasn't wanted at some time, to kill his wife?

1586
01:32:29,580 --> 01:32:32,660
[Kevin] Oh! I know this! The Beatles! (audience groans)

1587
01:32:32,660 --> 01:32:33,870
Had the opportunity to do it in such

1588
01:32:33,870 --> 01:32:35,680
a way so that he'd never be suspected?

1589
01:32:35,680 --> 01:32:37,240
[Kevin] Uh? The Magna Carta?

1590
01:32:37,240 --> 01:32:39,890
[Bill] I don't think you listen to the question! [Kevin] I'm sorry.

1591
01:32:39,890 --> 01:32:43,380
The fact remains that you or one of us, murdered Mrs. Loren.

1592
01:32:43,380 --> 01:32:45,590
And that's a matter for the police.

1593
01:32:45,590 --> 01:32:49,540
So, how do we get the police? That's my point. We can't until morning.

1594
01:32:49,540 --> 01:32:51,820
[Bill] And 911 is a joke!

1595
01:32:51,820 --> 01:32:54,940
Silly party given by an eccentric, is now involved us all in murder.

1596
01:32:54,940 --> 01:32:57,740
For once, Pritchard may be right.

1597
01:32:57,740 --> 01:33:01,230
Another murder's in the works, let's stop it now. Another murder?

1598
01:33:01,230 --> 01:33:05,060
Why not? Maybe one of us saw too much.

1599
01:33:05,060 --> 01:33:08,600
[Mike] Can't hear you. I'm in flavor country. (laughter)

1600
01:33:08,600 --> 01:33:10,210
Why would even a millionaire, want to

1601
01:33:10,210 --> 01:33:14,160
give us ten thousand dollars, to spend one night in a gloomy old house?

1602
01:33:14,160 --> 01:33:16,210
See some ghosts have a party?

1603
01:33:16,210 --> 01:33:19,230
[Kevin] Those ghost parties. Those things are dead anyway! Ha ha!

1604
01:33:19,230 --> 01:33:20,460
[Bill] Oh god.

1605
01:33:20,460 --> 01:33:21,860
[Mike] Uh. That, uh?

1606
01:33:21,860 --> 01:33:24,550
[Bill] I think that sort of tears our relationship once and for all, Kevin.

1607
01:33:24,550 --> 01:33:26,210
You're fired okay? [Mike] Get out.

1608
01:33:26,210 --> 01:33:30,660
[Kevin] Yeah. [Bill] Mike and I have been. This is. (audience groans)

1609
01:33:30,660 --> 01:33:33,850
[Bill] Let's get Paul F. Tompkins in here. Let's get a professional!

1610
01:33:33,850 --> 01:33:36,390
(applause)

1611
01:33:36,390 --> 01:33:41,280
[Bill] A professional comedian to do professional comedy. Thank you Paul.

1612
01:33:41,280 --> 01:33:42,820
[Paul] Sorry, dude. Sorry.

1613
01:33:42,820 --> 01:33:44,360
[Mike] Yeah. I hope you kicked him on the way by.

1614
01:33:44,360 --> 01:33:45,790
[Paul] Well, I thought about it.

1615
01:33:45,790 --> 01:33:50,000
[Paul] Thanks guys. This is exciting. (all guys) Yeah.

1616
01:33:50,000 --> 01:33:51,570
[Mike] We're thrilled to have you.

1617
01:33:51,570 --> 01:33:53,910
[Paul] From the short to the feature in one night. [Bill] The main feature.

1618
01:33:53,910 --> 01:33:55,760
[Mike] Yeah, it's been building for a while.

1619
01:33:55,760 --> 01:33:57,320
So I'm glad you're here. [Paul] I won't let you guys down.

1620
01:33:57,320 --> 01:33:59,150
[Bill] You ready? [Paul] I think so.

1621
01:33:59,150 --> 01:34:02,500
[Bill] A little breathing first. (Paul inhales in and out)

1622
01:34:02,500 --> 01:34:06,530
I tell you it doesn't make any difference.

1623
01:34:06,530 --> 01:34:08,760
[Bill] Here it comes. Paul Tompkins.

1624
01:34:08,760 --> 01:34:10,390
[Paul] Hey that uh? The little guy there.

1625
01:34:10,390 --> 01:34:12,950
He's like the uh? The souse on haunted hill.

1626
01:34:12,950 --> 01:34:15,270
[Bill] Oh man. [Mike] What the hell, man?

1627
01:34:15,270 --> 01:34:17,380
[Bill] That's the game you're bringing, Tompkins?

1628
01:34:17,380 --> 01:34:18,640
[Mike] What the hell?

1629
01:34:18,640 --> 01:34:20,130
[Paul] What happened? I don't understand what the problem is?

1630
01:34:20,130 --> 01:34:21,430
[Bill] Give it another shot.

1631
01:34:21,430 --> 01:34:23,980
[Paul] Give me another chance! Give me another chance! I will deliver here!

1632
01:34:23,980 --> 01:34:26,770
[Bill] Wow. [Paul] Hey uh? That little guy looks like a leprechaun!

1633
01:34:26,770 --> 01:34:28,330
[Bill] Get it out! Get out!

1634
01:34:28,330 --> 01:34:31,210
(applause)

1635
01:34:31,210 --> 01:34:34,540
[Bill] It was a good run, Paul. (applause)

1636
01:34:34,540 --> 01:34:40,950
(applause) [Bill] Paul F. Tompkins. Failed riffer.

1637
01:34:40,950 --> 01:34:44,420
[Kevin] I'm back. I'm back. [Mike] Yeah, you're hired. [Bill] Kevin's back.

1638
01:34:44,420 --> 01:34:46,490
[Kevin] Hey, you know that little guy. Never mind.

1639
01:34:46,490 --> 01:34:50,300
[Bill] Don't push it, man! Wow.

1640
01:34:50,300 --> 01:34:55,700
[Kevin] Wow. [Bill] Can't get good help. ♪♪♪

1641
01:34:55,700 --> 01:35:01,770
[Mike] I'd hug you good night, but I can't move my arms. (laughter)

1642
01:35:01,770 --> 01:35:04,660
♪♪♪ [Bill] You guys want to sit in our boxers,

1643
01:35:04,660 --> 01:35:09,020
and make fun of infomercials? (laughter)

1644
01:35:09,020 --> 01:35:11,990
[Bill] F you then.

1645
01:35:11,990 --> 01:35:17,360
♪♪♪ Good night.

1646
01:35:17,360 --> 01:35:20,980
[Mike] And remember, all of your pay per view charges come out of your ten Gs.

1647
01:35:20,980 --> 01:35:22,540
[Kevin] Awww!

1648
01:35:22,540 --> 01:35:24,740
[Mike] However it doesn't keep track of what you watch,

1649
01:35:24,740 --> 01:35:26,320
it just says "movie" on the bill.

1650
01:35:26,320 --> 01:35:28,700
[Kevin] Say!

1651
01:35:28,700 --> 01:35:33,820
(laughter) ♪♪♪

1652
01:35:33,820 --> 01:35:38,750
[Bill] And why did I turn Lance down? Sounds fun watching infomercials.

1653
01:35:38,750 --> 01:35:41,760
Not sure I understand the boxers part.

1654
01:35:41,760 --> 01:35:45,190
I am a briefs man, after all. Anyhoo.

1655
01:35:45,190 --> 01:35:49,220
♪♪♪

1656
01:35:49,220 --> 01:35:55,110
[Kevin] Ow! Thighs lacerated. Bleeding profusely! Ow!

1657
01:35:55,110 --> 01:36:00,030
[Bill] All right, cat. Just try and get in here and walk on my piano! (laughter)

1658
01:36:00,030 --> 01:36:04,420
(laughter)

1659
01:36:04,420 --> 01:36:07,160
[Mike] He's day dreaming, about the time his colleagues

1660
01:36:07,160 --> 01:36:10,390
nominated as dullest working psychiatrist in the western hemisphere.

1661
01:36:10,390 --> 01:36:13,860
♪♪♪

1662
01:36:13,860 --> 01:36:16,330
[Bill] Okay. Get down to work.

1663
01:36:16,330 --> 01:36:22,640
Must make speeches longer and more pointless and more didactic. But how?

1664
01:36:22,640 --> 01:36:27,920
♪♪♪

1665
01:36:27,920 --> 01:36:34,000
[Kevin] Hello! Potential siditive patients. (laughter)

1666
01:36:34,000 --> 01:36:39,010
[Mike] The physics of door knobs confuse me! Ah! [Bill] I need a siditive!

1667
01:36:39,010 --> 01:36:41,900
♪♪♪

1668
01:36:41,900 --> 01:36:48,080
[Kevin] A flaming bag of? Oh good god! It must have been a rottweiler!!

1669
01:36:48,080 --> 01:36:51,840
(laughter) [Bill] And we call this little part

1670
01:36:51,840 --> 01:36:53,940
how to add a full minute to your movie,

1671
01:36:53,940 --> 01:36:57,040
without advancing the plot in a single way.

1672
01:36:57,040 --> 01:36:58,460
(applause)

1673
01:36:58,460 --> 01:37:01,580
[Bill] It's a little thing we call. (applause)

1674
01:37:01,580 --> 01:37:03,110
[Kevin] Okay. Technically, she's in the film,

1675
01:37:03,110 --> 01:37:07,280
but in the same way that the Cloverfield monster was in Cloverfield.

1676
01:37:07,280 --> 01:37:10,680
[Bill] Striking resemblance too.

1677
01:37:10,680 --> 01:37:12,000
[Mike] You know, these are situations where

1678
01:37:12,000 --> 01:37:15,180
Willy Wonka's lickable wallpapers would really help pass the time.

1679
01:37:15,180 --> 01:37:18,660
[Bill] No doubt.

1680
01:37:18,660 --> 01:37:21,750
[Kevin] The thing that didn't trouble me before is troubling me now!

1681
01:37:21,750 --> 01:37:26,340
♪♪♪

1682
01:37:26,340 --> 01:37:32,120
[Bill] Oh Gladys MacBeth! It runs in the family!

1683
01:37:32,120 --> 01:37:35,350
(applause)

1684
01:37:35,350 --> 01:37:39,180
[Mike] I'm sure the safety's on! (bang) [Bill] That's our Lance.

1685
01:37:39,180 --> 01:37:44,310
[Kevin] My forehead! Ow! (knock on door) Nora? It's me, Lance.

1686
01:37:44,310 --> 01:37:48,330
[Bill] You know, from earlier? I was bleeding all the time.

1687
01:37:48,330 --> 01:37:51,360
You okay?

1688
01:37:51,360 --> 01:37:54,780
They've all gone to their rooms and locked themselves in.

1689
01:37:54,780 --> 01:37:56,350
Lance, I've been thinking.

1690
01:37:56,350 --> 01:37:59,530
It was so dark down there. Maybe it wasn't Mr. Loren.

1691
01:37:59,530 --> 01:38:03,160
It was him all right. He tried to kill you. And he did kill his wife.

1692
01:38:03,160 --> 01:38:07,710
[Kevin] Ah! Damn neighbor must be counting things again!

1693
01:38:07,710 --> 01:38:11,180
(applause) (indistinct)

1694
01:38:11,180 --> 01:38:13,920
The doc thinks he's going to try and kill one of us! (thunder)

1695
01:38:13,920 --> 01:38:18,390
[Bill] Two! Two murder victims! Ah ha ha ha! (applause) I'm going with you.

1696
01:38:18,390 --> 01:38:24,450
If he finds out you're alive? No, Nora.

1697
01:38:24,450 --> 01:38:28,550
You're safer here than anyplace else. Now just lock yourself in and keep quiet.

1698
01:38:28,550 --> 01:38:30,350
[Mike] You know I didn't think they could top the drama

1699
01:38:30,350 --> 01:38:34,340
of the first "Lance leaves Nora alone in her room" scene, but wow!

1700
01:38:34,340 --> 01:38:38,150
[Bill] They did it! They did it! I'll come back and get you.

1701
01:38:38,150 --> 01:38:43,780
[Bill] Three! Ah ha ha!

1702
01:38:43,780 --> 01:38:45,900
[Kevin] Okay. I give him ten minutes tops before

1703
01:38:45,900 --> 01:38:49,400
he manages to hang himself with the drapery cord.

1704
01:38:49,400 --> 01:38:55,410
♪♪♪ [Bill] All right, Punch and Judy! Make me laugh!

1705
01:38:55,410 --> 01:38:59,380
Wait a minute! There's no puppet show!? (Kevin laughs)

1706
01:38:59,380 --> 01:39:05,150
[Bill] Eh. Eh. Eh. Puppet show? Puppet show?

1707
01:39:05,150 --> 01:39:10,370
Puppet show? (sobs) Puppet show. (laughter)

1708
01:39:10,370 --> 01:39:13,610
[Kevin] Hey! He found the panic room! Oh no. This is the panic room, room.

1709
01:39:13,610 --> 01:39:15,900
It's loaded with memorabilia from the movie Panic Room.

1710
01:39:15,900 --> 01:39:17,720
[Bill] Panic Room, room.

1711
01:39:17,720 --> 01:39:25,810
[Kevin] It's meta. [Mike] Ahh! Got my ear caught in the door jam!

1712
01:39:25,810 --> 01:39:28,840
[Bill] Meanwhile, in ancient Assyria!

1713
01:39:28,840 --> 01:39:33,080
(applause)

1714
01:39:33,080 --> 01:39:35,860
[Bill] Ah ha ha! Let's see. I was supposed to lock the door.

1715
01:39:35,860 --> 01:39:39,130
Oh no no. Open the doors. Go around the doors.

1716
01:39:39,130 --> 01:39:46,050
Varnish the doors! Varnish the doors.

1717
01:39:46,050 --> 01:39:50,530
♪♪♪ [Mike] Oh Lance fell down and got his head caught in the fuse box. (laughter)

1718
01:39:50,530 --> 01:39:53,820
[Bill] That's our Lance!

1719
01:39:53,820 --> 01:39:55,190
[Kevin] Hi! It's me!

1720
01:39:55,190 --> 01:39:59,610
Ropey! The talking rope! The talking paper bag sent me!

1721
01:39:59,610 --> 01:40:02,670
Can you imagine a world without rope? Well can you?

1722
01:40:02,670 --> 01:40:05,500
Look, I already killed one person tonight, and I'll do it again!

1723
01:40:05,500 --> 01:40:08,230
I'm gonna take you to the magical rope forrest of the old south,

1724
01:40:08,230 --> 01:40:12,540
whether you want to or not, Willy! Willy??

1725
01:40:12,540 --> 01:40:18,120
(thunder)

1726
01:40:18,120 --> 01:40:24,210
[Bill] I don't remember Jacob Marley looking so hot! [Kevin] I know. (laughter)

1727
01:40:24,210 --> 01:40:27,320
[Kevin] Uh, could you just throw me light wrap or something?

1728
01:40:27,320 --> 01:40:31,730
♪♪♪

1729
01:40:31,730 --> 01:40:34,650
[Mike] If she could forget her afterlife career as a rodeo star,

1730
01:40:34,650 --> 01:40:37,590
seems like Nora should have been pretty easy to take down.

1731
01:40:37,590 --> 01:40:40,450
(laughter) ♪♪♪

1732
01:40:40,450 --> 01:40:43,220
[Bill] Let that be a lesson to you! If you underappreciate rope again,

1733
01:40:43,220 --> 01:40:48,380
I'll be back to lightly rub you! (laughter) Willy.

1734
01:40:48,380 --> 01:40:51,020
♪♪♪

1735
01:40:51,020 --> 01:40:54,610
♪♪♪

1736
01:40:54,610 --> 01:41:01,190
[Kevin] I think she's at the end of her rope. Reasonable expectation of sanity!

1737
01:41:01,190 --> 01:41:05,890
[Mike] Careful. Tompkins is right in the wings. (laughter)

1738
01:41:05,890 --> 01:41:08,740
[Kevin] Go away! Shoo! Shoo! [Bill] Paul F. Sword of Damacles.

1739
01:41:08,740 --> 01:41:12,040
[Kevin] Shoo!

1740
01:41:12,040 --> 01:41:16,920
(screams)

1741
01:41:16,920 --> 01:41:19,640
♪♪♪ [Mike] Extreme pilates! (laughter)

1742
01:41:19,640 --> 01:41:23,000
(screaming)

1743
01:41:23,000 --> 01:41:26,020
[Mike] Well, Gwynneth Paltrow's doing it.

1744
01:41:26,020 --> 01:41:31,080
[Bill] Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Mickey Rourke! (laughter)♪♪♪

1745
01:41:31,080 --> 01:41:35,810
♪♪♪

1746
01:41:35,810 --> 01:41:39,090
♪♪♪ Lance?

1747
01:41:39,090 --> 01:41:40,520
[Kevin] Yeah, right. Lance is covered in paint, trying

1748
01:41:40,520 --> 01:41:43,290
to get a bucket off of his foot. (laughter)

1749
01:41:43,290 --> 01:41:45,760
(Bill indistinct)

1750
01:41:45,760 --> 01:41:47,540
[Mike] Now he's got his tongue caught in a mousetrap,

1751
01:41:47,540 --> 01:41:52,200
and there's a little kid, punching him in the junk. (laughter) [Bill] Oh, Lance!

1752
01:41:52,200 --> 01:41:57,620
(laughter)

1753
01:41:57,620 --> 01:42:07,470
[Kevin] This is about as action packed as a game of Myst. (laughter)

1754
01:42:07,470 --> 01:42:13,530
♪♪♪ [Bill] Get that damn ghost of a cat off the organ! ♪♪♪

1755
01:42:13,530 --> 01:42:17,420
[Kevin] It's clearly an invitation to an all skate.

1756
01:42:17,420 --> 01:42:21,520
But I don't have any skates! [Bill] Terrifying.

1757
01:42:21,520 --> 01:42:26,940
(screaming)

1758
01:42:26,940 --> 01:42:32,240
[Mike] Meanwhile, in ancient? Uh? Fort Worth? Look, I'm tapped out.

1759
01:42:32,240 --> 01:42:34,660
(laughter) [Bill] Think I'm gonna call that joke.

1760
01:42:34,660 --> 01:42:38,660
[Kevin] Well, I'll nip out for a twenty four hour mustache wax emporium.

1761
01:42:38,660 --> 01:42:42,910
No! Dammit!

1762
01:42:42,910 --> 01:42:48,290
(Bill humming Lady Gaga's Bad Romance)

1763
01:42:48,290 --> 01:42:51,730
(laughter) (indistinct)

1764
01:42:51,730 --> 01:42:56,100
[Bill] Very talented. (knock on door)

1765
01:42:56,100 --> 01:42:58,930
[Mike] Where's your mustache!

1766
01:42:58,930 --> 01:43:01,890
Can you feel something? Certainly not.

1767
01:43:01,890 --> 01:43:05,060
There's either somebody else in this house or one of us has left his room.

1768
01:43:05,060 --> 01:43:07,060
Did you hear anything?

1769
01:43:07,060 --> 01:43:11,000
[Bill] I heard a few people say "Please stop murdering me, doctor!"

1770
01:43:11,000 --> 01:43:14,340
That, and someone walking.

1771
01:43:14,340 --> 01:43:17,010
[Kevin] I suspect it was Mark Cohn.

1772
01:43:17,010 --> 01:43:19,650
[Bill] (whisper) This is Nashville, not Memphis.

1773
01:43:19,650 --> 01:43:24,150
(laughter) You look downstairs, and I'll look up here.

1774
01:43:24,150 --> 01:43:27,870
Why not together? It may be only minutes or seconds left for someone's life.

1775
01:43:27,870 --> 01:43:33,850
Why waste time? [Mike] Ah, the Abe Vigoda policy. (laughter)

1776
01:43:33,850 --> 01:43:36,190
[Bill] And if you do run into some meddling kids

1777
01:43:36,190 --> 01:43:43,410
and a dog who kinda talks, shoot to kill! (laughter)

1778
01:43:43,410 --> 01:43:47,220
[Kevin] Hmm.

1779
01:43:47,220 --> 01:43:50,370
Why ruin my own bathroom, I'm gonna

1780
01:43:50,370 --> 01:43:53,960
give his thunder bucket a good working over

1781
01:43:53,960 --> 01:43:56,520
(laughter) Oh yeah! [Bill] Disgusting!

1782
01:43:56,520 --> 01:43:59,130
(laughter)

1783
01:43:59,130 --> 01:44:01,010
[Bill] Guys, I think we're on the verge of something big here.

1784
01:44:01,010 --> 01:44:05,180
And there it is!!! The 7,000th room that has been entered tonight!

1785
01:44:05,180 --> 01:44:08,380
[Kevin] Yes! [Bill] Whoo hoo! (applause)

1786
01:44:08,380 --> 01:44:11,800
[Kevin] Well done.

1787
01:44:11,800 --> 01:44:16,240
[Bill] And a siditive. (laughter)

1788
01:44:16,240 --> 01:44:22,130
[Mike] Well, time to vote. Hello democracy. (laughter)

1789
01:44:22,130 --> 01:44:25,300
♪♪♪ It's almost over, darling.

1790
01:44:25,300 --> 01:44:28,900
[Kevin] Um? I'm dead right now. Every detail is perfect.

1791
01:44:28,900 --> 01:44:33,610
♪♪♪ (Kevin yawns)

1792
01:44:33,610 --> 01:44:39,300
[Mike] Oh hi. Well. BRAINS, I guess. (laughter)

1793
01:44:39,300 --> 01:44:47,920
What's happening? (Bill hums What's Happening theme)

1794
01:44:47,920 --> 01:44:50,920
(Bill humming)

1795
01:44:50,920 --> 01:44:54,050
(Bill humming) [Mike] Oh hi, Rerun.

1796
01:44:54,050 --> 01:44:58,280
[Bill] Thank you! (applause)

1797
01:44:58,280 --> 01:44:59,940
Get me out of this hanging harness.

1798
01:44:59,940 --> 01:45:03,140
[Kevin] Oh, and thanks for inventing the hanging harness by the way.

1799
01:45:03,140 --> 01:45:05,250
What time is it?

1800
01:45:05,250 --> 01:45:08,060
I couldn't get Nora to want to protect herself with a gun.

1801
01:45:08,060 --> 01:45:09,440
After you appeared at the window, everything

1802
01:45:09,440 --> 01:45:11,500
began to work just as we had planned.

1803
01:45:11,500 --> 01:45:13,060
You were wonderful! Just the touch

1804
01:45:13,060 --> 01:45:15,370
that finally drove her into complete hysteria.

1805
01:45:15,370 --> 01:45:18,860
[Mike] And he stops there? Come on! [Bill] Come on!

1806
01:45:18,860 --> 01:45:23,680
Where's Nora now? What's happening? (Bill humming again)

1807
01:45:23,680 --> 01:45:25,820
(Bill humming)

1808
01:45:25,820 --> 01:45:28,510
They're serving it up! Come on! (indistinct)

1809
01:45:28,510 --> 01:45:32,510
David, are you sure none of them will suspect us?

1810
01:45:32,510 --> 01:45:35,620
Of what? A hysterical girl that accidentally shoots somebody?

1811
01:45:35,620 --> 01:45:38,550
Who would suspect that we'd planned it that way? That we drove her to it?

1812
01:45:38,550 --> 01:45:41,720
What about my suicide? Was just a ghost party gag.

1813
01:45:41,720 --> 01:45:43,370
We'll claim it was a dummy, since I

1814
01:45:43,370 --> 01:45:45,080
was the only one who touched you?

1815
01:45:45,080 --> 01:45:48,360
And the care takers? [Mike] Naaw. Nobody believes blind people.

1816
01:45:48,360 --> 01:45:50,790
What about Nora? She's not stupid, you know?

1817
01:45:50,790 --> 01:45:56,360
[Bill] Um? I don't know. (laughter) Jury's out.

1818
01:45:56,360 --> 01:45:58,810
She thinks Frederick attacked her in the cellar, not me.

1819
01:45:58,810 --> 01:46:01,650
The woman was almost out of her mind with fear.

1820
01:46:01,650 --> 01:46:03,100
The heads, the music, your hanging.

1821
01:46:03,100 --> 01:46:05,440
I tell you when Frederick walks in there, she'll shoot him.

1822
01:46:05,440 --> 01:46:09,260
It's taking too long? David you ought to be there.

1823
01:46:09,260 --> 01:46:11,110
[Mike] Well, there's something like 48 loose ends here.

1824
01:46:11,110 --> 01:46:12,860
but I'm sure it'll all work out in the end.

1825
01:46:12,860 --> 01:46:17,820
[Bill] Sure. [Kevin] For her, that's like kissing a dry erase board. (laughter)

1826
01:46:17,820 --> 01:46:22,400
When you hear the shot, come down to the cellar.

1827
01:46:22,400 --> 01:46:26,180
[Bill] Darling, meet me by the pickled beets. (laughter)

1828
01:46:26,180 --> 01:46:30,990
(door closes)

1829
01:46:30,990 --> 01:46:32,730
[Mike] For dark rickety basement stairs,

1830
01:46:32,730 --> 01:46:35,100
nothing beats a pair of high heeled shoes.

1831
01:46:35,100 --> 01:46:41,190
[Bill] Brought to you by the high heeled shoe council.

1832
01:46:41,190 --> 01:46:46,650
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Doors and bottles! I'm calling you out! (laughter)

1833
01:46:46,650 --> 01:46:51,390
(laughter)

1834
01:46:51,390 --> 01:47:00,700
♪♪♪ [Mike] Where? Where do you think we should put the bumper pool table?

1835
01:47:00,700 --> 01:47:03,680
♪♪♪ [Bill] Just give her ten minutes, everybody.

1836
01:47:03,680 --> 01:47:09,430
She'll have this room completely looked at. (laughter) Patience.

1837
01:47:09,430 --> 01:47:11,590
[Kevin] There were fewer badly lit basements

1838
01:47:11,590 --> 01:47:15,310
in the IMAX movie Badly Lit Basements. (laughter)

1839
01:47:15,310 --> 01:47:17,350
[Bill] Odd that they made that.

1840
01:47:17,350 --> 01:47:21,520
♪♪♪

1841
01:47:21,520 --> 01:47:23,820
[Mike] Two dangers in basements, radon gas,

1842
01:47:23,820 --> 01:47:29,290
and being shot in an orgy of insane girlish panic. ♪♪♪

1843
01:47:29,290 --> 01:47:33,480
No! No! (shot fires) [Kevin] It was!

1844
01:47:33,480 --> 01:47:36,350
Her...party. Ha ha! Death pwn.

1845
01:47:36,350 --> 01:47:39,590
(screaming)

1846
01:47:39,590 --> 01:47:43,030
[Bill] Nora would go on to murder the entire staff at a haunted hayride.

1847
01:47:43,030 --> 01:47:48,690
(laughter) ♪♪♪

1848
01:47:48,690 --> 01:47:51,280
[Mike] Hi. Just wanted to make sure the

1849
01:47:51,280 --> 01:47:57,500
excitement level didn't get too high around here.

1850
01:47:57,500 --> 01:48:00,740
♪♪♪ [Bill] Well, for my acid bath door, we just installed a clapper.

1851
01:48:00,740 --> 01:48:03,820
♪♪♪

1852
01:48:03,820 --> 01:48:07,500
[Kevin] Yeah. Dealing with a corpse is not

1853
01:48:07,500 --> 01:48:13,210
as much fun as those Weekend at Bernie's guys would have you believe

1854
01:48:13,210 --> 01:48:15,360
♪♪♪ [Bill] Yeah. Okay, okay.

1855
01:48:15,360 --> 01:48:18,100
Use this acid to dissolve the body and wash my jeans

1856
01:48:18,100 --> 01:48:21,910
so I'll be ready for the 80s! (audience groans)

1857
01:48:21,910 --> 01:48:25,810
♪♪♪ (grunting)

1858
01:48:25,810 --> 01:48:27,310
[Kevin] Whoo. Somebody couldn't keep down

1859
01:48:27,310 --> 01:48:30,430
Vincent Price's crock pot meatballs after all.

1860
01:48:30,430 --> 01:48:34,980
(Kevin gags) [Bill] We get it.

1861
01:48:34,980 --> 01:48:36,370
[Mike] La di di da da.

1862
01:48:36,370 --> 01:48:38,880
Just bearing a more than slight resemblance to Hayden Panetierre.

1863
01:48:38,880 --> 01:48:41,800
La di da da. (laughter)

1864
01:48:41,800 --> 01:48:44,590
[Kevin] Wow! Nude!

1865
01:48:44,590 --> 01:48:50,830
(laughter) [Mike] She's uh? She's still alive and she's 83 now folks. So calm down.

1866
01:48:50,830 --> 01:48:54,460
[Bill] Well, she's dressed for it. She may as well empty the rat traps.

1867
01:48:58,320 --> 01:49:03,410
David?

1868
01:49:03,410 --> 01:49:06,130
David? (creaking)

1869
01:49:06,130 --> 01:49:09,090
[Kevin] Oh, now I have to change into my door hinge greasing nightie.

1870
01:49:09,090 --> 01:49:14,030
It's even skimpier. (creaking)

1871
01:49:14,030 --> 01:49:19,690
[Mike] Well, when God closes a door, he... He closes another one. (laughter)

1872
01:49:19,690 --> 01:49:22,580
[Bill] That's how he rolls.

1873
01:49:22,580 --> 01:49:24,380
Meanwhile, Lance is in the janitor's closet

1874
01:49:24,380 --> 01:49:26,650
having managed to snag himself on a coat hook!

1875
01:49:26,650 --> 01:49:28,280
And spill a half gallon of scouring

1876
01:49:28,280 --> 01:49:35,290
powder down the inside of his shirt. That's our Lance!

1877
01:49:35,290 --> 01:49:42,590
♪♪♪ [Mike] She scans a room at downright Nora-esque speed! (laughter)

1878
01:49:42,590 --> 01:49:44,830
♪♪♪ [Bill] Well, I've done some creepy things tonight.

1879
01:49:44,830 --> 01:49:48,130
But nothing as dark and unholy as my cousin, the Grocery Witch!

1880
01:49:48,130 --> 01:49:54,810
(laughter) ♪♪♪

1881
01:49:54,810 --> 01:49:58,120
♪♪♪

1882
01:49:58,120 --> 01:50:01,010
♪♪♪ (Mike makes bubble noises)

1883
01:50:01,010 --> 01:50:06,490
♪♪♪

1884
01:50:06,490 --> 01:50:08,560
[Bill] Iggy Pop!

1885
01:50:08,560 --> 01:50:11,990
[Kevin] Beefier than Iggy. (indistinct)

1886
01:50:11,990 --> 01:50:19,130
[Bill] Somebody get me some xylophone mallets so I can comically play his ribs!

1887
01:50:19,130 --> 01:50:22,860
[Mike] Haven't seen my pancreas around here anywhere, huh lady?

1888
01:50:22,860 --> 01:50:26,810
♪♪♪

1889
01:50:26,810 --> 01:50:31,890
[Mike] Maybe a set of lungs, about 20 feet of intestine? ♪♪♪

1890
01:50:31,890 --> 01:50:40,740
At last, you've got it all. Everything I have. Even my life.

1891
01:50:40,740 --> 01:50:42,030
[Bill] Dammit bones!

1892
01:50:42,030 --> 01:50:45,150
Leave her alone! (laughter)

1893
01:50:45,150 --> 01:50:48,870
(indistinct)

1894
01:50:48,870 --> 01:50:51,950
(screaming)

1895
01:50:51,950 --> 01:50:54,110
[Kevin] Look at him walk!

1896
01:50:54,110 --> 01:50:57,310
It's the skeleton of John Wayne! (laughter)

1897
01:50:57,310 --> 01:51:00,600
[Mike] Nice lingerie, pilgrim! (screaming)

1898
01:51:00,600 --> 01:51:06,070
(screaming)

1899
01:51:06,070 --> 01:51:10,130
[Bill] Whoa ho! That was close. Were was I?

1900
01:51:10,130 --> 01:51:14,430
Aggh! (screaming)

1901
01:51:14,430 --> 01:51:18,610
[Kevin] While you're down there, will you get my swim mask?

1902
01:51:18,610 --> 01:51:23,760
It's stuck in the drain. No?

1903
01:51:23,760 --> 01:51:27,040
♪♪♪ [Mike] Because you asked for it, nay demanded it,

1904
01:51:27,040 --> 01:51:30,700
a very very slow scan of the basement! (applause)

1905
01:51:30,700 --> 01:51:32,950
Take a victory lap! You've earned it!

1906
01:51:32,950 --> 01:51:35,990
(applause) [Bill] Enjoy!

1907
01:51:35,990 --> 01:51:38,300
[Mike] Give it up for the one! (applause)

1908
01:51:38,300 --> 01:51:43,580
(applause) ♪♪♪

1909
01:51:43,580 --> 01:51:48,100
♪♪♪ [Bill] Ah come on! I bet this wasn't that hard for him to pull off?

1910
01:51:48,100 --> 01:51:52,880
"Honey? Why are you making a skeleton marionette?" Come to bed!

1911
01:51:52,880 --> 01:51:56,160
[Kevin] But it's for the skeleton marionette competition!

1912
01:51:56,160 --> 01:51:59,130
Or do you want me to fail at the skeleton marionette competition?

1913
01:51:59,130 --> 01:52:01,920
You resent my skeleton marionette hobby?

1914
01:52:01,920 --> 01:52:05,050
Don't you? I ought to kill you!

1915
01:52:05,050 --> 01:52:11,810
[Bill] The skeleton marionette sketch. (applause)

1916
01:52:11,810 --> 01:52:17,700
♪♪♪ Good night, Annabelle.

1917
01:52:17,700 --> 01:52:21,470
The crime you two planned was indeed perfect.

1918
01:52:21,470 --> 01:52:25,960
Only the victim's alive and the murderers are not.

1919
01:52:25,960 --> 01:52:29,220
[Bill] Am I right, puppet friend?

1920
01:52:29,220 --> 01:52:33,410
Your game of murder, that I was playing too.

1921
01:52:33,410 --> 01:52:35,720
[Mike] So what's the next caper, boss? Elaborate bank heist?

1922
01:52:35,720 --> 01:52:37,500
Wait! What are you doing?

1923
01:52:37,500 --> 01:52:41,270
I was loyal to you! Why? There must be some way to get in here!

1924
01:52:41,270 --> 01:52:44,380
It's right along here, somewhere.

1925
01:52:44,380 --> 01:52:49,700
[Kevin] Ah ha! Thank god! I saved you all! [Bill] Our Lance.

1926
01:52:49,700 --> 01:52:52,850
Down in the wine cellar. Well, I? I don't think so.

1927
01:52:52,850 --> 01:52:54,500
[Bill] All right, you guys go down there.

1928
01:52:54,500 --> 01:52:57,550
And I'll snag my foot on the rug and knock myself unconscious.

1929
01:52:57,550 --> 01:53:00,870
(foot steps)

1930
01:53:00,870 --> 01:53:05,720
It's him! He's alive!

1931
01:53:05,720 --> 01:53:10,770
[Mike] Not until I've had my coffee. Am I right? (laughter)

1932
01:53:10,770 --> 01:53:15,130
You didn't shoot anyone, my dear. I loaded your gun with blanks.

1933
01:53:15,130 --> 01:53:19,210
[Bill] Sound familiar, Lance? (audience groans) [Mike] Hey!

1934
01:53:19,210 --> 01:53:21,460
Trent and my wife were planning to kill me.

1935
01:53:21,460 --> 01:53:24,360
They failed. [Bill] Sound familiar, Lance?

1936
01:53:24,360 --> 01:53:26,810
[Mike] Hey! They tried to throw me in the vat.

1937
01:53:26,810 --> 01:53:29,020
My wife stumbled and fell.

1938
01:53:29,020 --> 01:53:31,490
[Kevin] She dropped her sack of banana cream pies.

1939
01:53:31,490 --> 01:53:36,800
I'm ready for justice to decide, if I'm innocent or, guilty.

1940
01:53:36,800 --> 01:53:39,240
[Bill] In the meantime, I'll be emptying the cash from my mattress,

1941
01:53:39,240 --> 01:53:43,960
and flee to Mexico if you need me. NOT an admission of guilt. ♪♪♪

1942
01:53:43,960 --> 01:53:46,860
Oh, there's still cream cheese rollups in the downstairs fridge!

1943
01:53:46,860 --> 01:53:51,240
Help yourself. ♪♪♪

1944
01:53:51,240 --> 01:53:55,220
[Mike] Grope. (laughter)

1945
01:53:55,220 --> 01:53:59,890
♪♪♪ Now there are nine.

1946
01:53:59,890 --> 01:54:02,000
There will be more, many more.

1947
01:54:02,000 --> 01:54:05,780
[Kevin] Unfortunately, he means seasons of Jersey Shore. (audience groans)

1948
01:54:05,780 --> 01:54:09,290
[Bill] Dear god. (Kevin laughs) They'll come for me, now.

1949
01:54:09,290 --> 01:54:13,210
Then they'll come for you.

1950
01:54:13,210 --> 01:54:14,880
[Bill] Wait, sorry.

1951
01:54:14,880 --> 01:54:18,840
They'll come for the person sitting to your left. Is that my left?

1952
01:54:18,840 --> 01:54:23,830
Stage left? I don't know. The point is you or someone you care about is doomed!

1953
01:54:23,830 --> 01:54:28,070
Thank you! [Kevin] And good night from the House on Haunted Hill!

1954
01:54:28,070 --> 01:54:32,720
[Bill] House! on haunted! Hill! (audience applauds)

1955
01:54:32,720 --> 01:54:35,630
(applause) [Kevin] Thank you! [Bill] Thank you! Paul F. Tompkins!

1956
01:54:35,630 --> 01:54:39,620
Come on out here! [Kevin] Paul F. Tompkins, come out! (applause)

1957
01:54:39,620 --> 01:54:41,720
[Bill] Get that sharp dressed man out here!

1958
01:54:41,720 --> 01:54:44,420
(applause)

1959
01:54:44,420 --> 01:54:47,120
[Kevin] Paul? Somebody get Paul!

1960
01:54:47,120 --> 01:54:49,440
Ran out. Thank you for coming!

1961
01:54:49,440 --> 01:54:51,140
[Mike] Thanks very much, everyone!

1962
01:54:51,140 --> 01:54:52,550
[Kevin] Happy Halloween! We'll see you again sometime!

1963
01:54:52,550 --> 01:54:54,210
[Mike] Thank you!

1964
01:54:54,210 --> 01:54:56,460
[Bill] Thank you very much! It's been a pleasure!

1965
01:54:56,460 --> 01:54:59,250
Happy Halloween! Paul F. Tompkins! (applause)

1966
01:54:59,250 --> 01:55:02,830
(applause)

1967
01:55:02,830 --> 01:55:08,150
(applause) (applause)

1968
01:55:12,260 --> 01:55:16,790
(cheering)

1969
01:55:16,790 --> 01:55:21,450
(applause)

1970
01:55:21,450 --> 01:55:25,280
(applause)

1971
01:55:25,280 --> 01:55:29,330
(applause)

1972
01:55:29,330 --> 01:55:33,510
(applause)

1973
01:55:33,510 --> 01:55:37,600
(applause)

1974
01:55:37,600 --> 01:55:41,630
(applause)

1975
01:55:41,630 --> 01:55:45,800
(applause)

1976
01:55:45,800 --> 01:55:49,820
(applause)

1977
01:55:49,820 --> 01:55:53,930
(applause)

1978
01:55:53,930 --> 01:55:58,110
(applause)

1979
01:55:58,110 --> 01:56:00,290
(applause)